HALVEY: Always Listening
If that tall, lanky bisexual woman’s dream of a white boy who goes around college campuses and asks random people “what song are you listening to?” came up to me he would be fucked. Unlike the rest of you plebeians, I do not fill my days sitting in a Rand booth with my AirPod Pros at the highest volume playing Lil Peep and pretending my parents did not get divorced because of me. No, I sit there listening to all of your juicy conversations.
Through this dedication of mine, I have learned some incredible things about my peers. Joey from Sutherland might maybe possibly be thinking about hooking up with that one girl with the brown hair, you know that one he was gonna hook up with the first weekend of school but then he told her she had “pretty nice tits” compared to his high school girlfriend so she completely cut him off, which he thinks is super fucked up because I mean she does and that’s a compliment? But the other day they totally talked again in the line at Taco Mama so he thinks it’s gonna happen. And apparently Lily and Ria are both having major issues with their long-distance boyfriends and they both just concluded that they know their boyfriends are going to cheat on them. But is it not worth it in the long run? Because eventually, you can use that cheating as ammo against them in a fight and you know you’ll win and that piece of shit will feel bad and also, you can’t just throw away the access to consistent, albeit infrequent, sex. Plus, they both think the guys here are, like, super not it.
Now I ask you, fellow Vanderbilt student, what would I do without this information? Does it pertain to me or anyone I even remotely know? Absolutely not. But I beg you to see that this exact fact is what makes it so much better.
Don’t get me wrong, I also do my part to support those of you like me. I have always, and will always, tell detailed stories with first and last names in the most public areas of campus. I will give back to my community. However, it is now your responsibility to take advantage of these blessings. Take off those headphones and listen to the sounds of nature around you.
