Throughout our complicated, messy, but valid little lives, we have all had understandable reasons for seeking medical attention. For those of you who were totally popular in high school, it’s getting your stomachs pumped after a legendary night of drinking. For the remaining serfs, its something dumb like kidney stones or scabies.
Yet, in the early hours of Saturday morning, a campus VUceptor was rushed to VUMC after an altercation with campus wifi services. At the risk of violating HIPAA, his name was *REDACTED BY VANDERBILT ADMIN.* After a super lit ASBash or ASBanger or whatever, *REDACTED* nobly returned to his room Friday night to continue his provocative Hustler Op-Ed on the rampant spread of misinformation regarding the student to squirrel ratio. Did you know it’s actually three students to every one squirrel? This sinisterly lopsided proportion presents extinction before our very eyes, yet we remain silent.
*REDACTED* typed away under the safe and honorable guidance of vuNet. However, without warning, that little whore called it quits, thus stranding *REDACTED* in what he now refers to as “an unsupportive abyss only known by the most average of students.” Before he knew it, he was nonconsensually taken under the slimy grip of vuGuest: the catalyst for the medical emergency.
For our worried readers, do not fear: *REDACTED* is receiving plenty of IV fluids and minute by minute affirmation that he is far more than merely a glorified hotel guest at this university. The Dean of the Commons sat at his bedside through the entire night, singing very important lullabies into his very important little ears. His VUceptees sent him a Slack message.
*REDACTED* is now being told his connection to vuGuest is indicative of the highest campus honor, for literally not a soul has been able to get on the vuGuest network. In the words of Vanderbilt IT, “that fucking prude is very selective about who she connects with.” Further research has found that getting on vuGuest is reserved for only the fittest of the Vanderbilt population. In some cultures, being a guest is more worshipped than being a king or even a Vanderbilt University Tour Guide.
It sounds like, in this moment of peril, all this VUceptor needed was…the support of a VUceptor. Why couldn’t the VUceptor save himself in this moment of distress? Such a question dances on the line of calling VUceptors Christ figures. The Slant does not aim to say what is already known to be true.
I will leave my readers with a closing question to contemplate: aren’t we all just vuGuests on this revolving piece of rock hurtling through space? Frankly this article has been my most reflective Visions meeting yet.
