By Jeff Malarky
Look. I’m not going to tell you what the goal of your education is. I think we both know what your Vanderbilt degree is good for—not some job at McKinsey or an internship with the firm whose CEO is the dad of your friend who grew up “comfortable but not rich.” No, the goal of your Vanderbilt education is to flex to your friends back at home about how happy you are. There is no better time for that than Spring Break, when you, your friends and your situationship (who you definitely don’t have feelings for anymore) gather once again to drink in your friend’s basement. You know, because you really needed to come home and make time for loved ones—nothing to do with the fact that your three closest friends “forgot” to invite you to the Spring Break Bahamas trip.
First, you’re going to need to exaggerate Broadway. I mean, when people think Vanderbilt, they think Nashville. And Nashville is all about Broadway. Now, let’s be honest with ourselves first. I’m on your side here, so just between us, we know that your shitty fake ID from New Jersey with the lamination peeling off wouldn’t work anymore, unless Stevie Wonder followed in the footsteps of Jason Aldean and opened a bar on Broadway. But that’s alright, because you can just lie. But more importantly, you can tell them all about the wonderful experience that Lonnie’s represents. They’ll never know that it isn’t technically downtown or that it is 18 plus. Just show them a video of you singing some country song on stage and I guarantee that they will be impressed.
The other big thing you need to do is come off as having fully acclimated to the completely different lifestyle that your freshman year at college represents. While your friends from home confide in you about being homesick, having bad roommates or struggling to find people around whom they feel like they truly belong with, you should come off as having already found the people who will be your bridesmaids or groomsmen at your wedding. There are no troubles in your paradise. You and your (nonexistent) friends happily traverse Commons, enjoying mediocre pizza and oat milk ice cream and laughing about all of the many memories and deep bonds that you’ve formed with each other over the past few weeks. Push to the background all of the nights you spent worrying about how you feel alone or don’t fit in (nobody feels those but yourself, so you don’t want to come off as a loser).
But seriously, just be yourself. Your friends genuinely care about how you’re doing.
Just kidding. I’d lie if I were you. You’re not that impressive and you shouldn’t have gotten into Vanderbilt anyway.
