By James Cross
Ben Shapiro is coming to campus to flex his mental muscles on some unsuspecting college students, or so he thinks. The best way to not get caught with one’s pants down by the master debater is to keep them tight around one’s waist, so to speak. In this case, preparing some questions ahead of time could save the average Joe from utter humiliation before the imposing figure of Mr. Shapiro himself. For those who are completely challenged by creating queries, I have provided a list of some sure to bewilder and befuddle Ben:
1. Can I kiss you?
Who wouldn’t want to kiss this fine specimen? The Slant is currently hosting a special event for just this purpose! However, ole Benny can be a little shy sometimes, so he might not agree immediately and often plays hard to get. Don’t take it personally, though. Just use it as motivation.
2. Who did you vote for and why was it Kamala?
Let’s say, for the sake of the argument, that you ask him this question; asking such a personal question is sure to sweep him off his feet as Ben is secretly an avid Kamala supporter. He loves the idea of legalizing marijuana and thinks that climate change is a very, very pressing issue. If you don’t believe me, just ask, and watch him do a double take.
3. Is your sister hot?
Let’s face it — no one ever has a good answer. One insults a dearly loved family member, and the other makes you sound like an incestuous creep. Ben is known to think very highly of his sister so this question is sure to put him on his heels, hypothetically putting the ball in his court. Bonus points if you bring a large picture of his sister for this one.
4. What’s your favorite Chappell Roan song?
This is another great question to put him on the defensive. Ben Shapiro isn’t very public with his music taste or listening habits, at least not his favorite stuff (he’s quite the gatekeeper). But, here’s the thing: he can’t help but to boogie down to some “Pink Pony Club”, and “Hot to Go“ gets him up and moving in his office. He might even do the viral dance if you ask him nicely.
5. Can I kiss you, please?
Ben Shapiro was surely not expecting you to try this hard to woo him. He wants to kiss you, but he can’t let the rest of the audience know. There’s not enough for the whole class, as your fifth grade teacher might say. He’ll say no in order to keep up his hyper-masculine aura, but know that your efforts are not in vain.
6. What are your thoughts on Vanderbilt tearing down the primary sophomore dorm?
At the point we’re at today, Ben Shapiro is widely known to be a people’s champion. He fights for the small and believes in human rights. He would never let unjustified harm befall someone simply because of the circumstances that they’ve been placed into. This question is sure to get him fired up.
7. What’s your favorite anime?
Ben is a huge weeb. He goes to every anime con and has seen every episode of “One Piece.” He may not be very vocal about it, but he is a huge fan of Japanese culture. Once again, I’m personally invested in this question, and I personally think he’s a cultured “Evangelion” enjoyer.
8. Can you kiss me?
The third time’s the charm, as they say. This question, and the way you’ve restructured it, will undoubtedly earn you Benny Boy’s pure American heart. He’ll be unable to resist jumping off that stage straight into your arms as you carry him out of the auditorium and off into the sunset. Destiny awaits the two of y’all, and this question will be the key to unlock it. Good luck, fine soldier!
Now that you’re armed for your battle with this nation’s greatest, go triumph in the bliss of victory. With these questions in your arsenal, you absolutely cannot lose. Go be you, do your best and set Ben’s heart on fire with the way you’ve, hypothetically, used these questions for the sake of the argument.
