Campus Dining Brings Cigarettes to European-Inspired Carmichael Café

Vanderbilt students can look forward to an exciting amenity available for purchase at Café Carmichael at the brand new Oliver C. Carmichael College. This fall, cigarettes will be sold alongside the selection of European-inspired food and beverage. Three cigarettes and an espresso are available for one convenient meal swipe. For additional meal money, students can add a croissant to their order. Be sure to BYOL (bring your own lighter)! Lighters are available at Café Carmichael but are leashed to the checkout counter to discourage thievery — à la the $80,000 of silverware stolen from dining halls last year.

“We absolutely took notes from our French and Italian role models for this system,” shared Campus Dining executive Valerie eks Torshunizt. “Now our students can live like Europeans, enjoying a delicious and energizing cigarette and espresso for breakfast.”

“Furthermore, we are proud to announce a partnership with Immersion Vanderbilt. By embarking in this cultural dining experience and smoking cigarettes over espresso daily, students can claim Immersion project credit.” Très cool!

Students will have the chef-curated options of Newport and Marlboro cigarettes, brands selected for their high nicotine content and consistently flavorful products. Another move toward sustainability for Vanderbilt dining, these cigarettes support local tobacco growers and manufacturers throughout the Southeast. In the future, Campus Dining hopes to add tobacco to existing hydroponic farms on campus. 

While this addition provides a new multicultural flair to Dining’s slate of options, skeptical students believe it is the latest development in a suspected campaign to reduce the portion sizes of undergraduate meals. 

“Coming back, I thought it was odd that instead of all-you-can-eat customizable Zeppos flatbreads for a single swipe, I could only purchase a sad slice of pepperoni pizza with a breadstick and side for a meal swipe at Rand,” noted sophomore Hohngree Wilson. “When I realized all-you-can-eat breakfast options had disappeared, I started to wonder if Vandy wants me to eat less food.”

Indeed, concerned students note the coincidental timing of astronomical meal plan upcharges and arrival of appetite-suppressing high-nicotine cigarettes at Carmichael. They suggest covert cost-saving operations were in motion as early as January 2024, when the volume of Rand Fresh Mex bowls dwindled from scarce to measly. 

“If you ask me, I bet they went bankrupt replacing all the silverware that disappeared from dining halls last semester…” remarked one student, anonymous for fear of retaliation. “I start to wonder, did I bring this upon myself by stocking my Moore suite with three plastic cups from Rothschild [Dining Hall]? Then, I breathe easy when I remember I can at least obtain my drunk ciggies on a meal swipe. Considering how many extra meal swipes I’m bound to have at the end of the semester now that the senior meal plan is no longer an option, I’m happy to use my swipes at Café Carmichael.”

When pressed for comment on the allegations, eks Torshunizt stated, “We prioritize students’ access to nutritious dining options. No further comment.”