SUMMER DISPATCH: 2024 Annual Run of the Interns

By Benedict Ballman

NEW YORK, New York (The Slant): With college internships set to begin at the turn of the month, WASPS-in-training are eagerly packing their bags and counting down the days. “Empire City” by Jay-Z has reached a record high number of streams on Spotify this past week as students dream of themselves conquering The City in the clothes their dad told them is business casual. One can only imagine the high hopes that these students will be bringing to Wall Street this summer! 

In preparation, New Yorkers are getting ready for the city’s most cherished holiday: this year’s annual Run of the Interns. This annual city-wide festival marks the descent of upper-middle class college students into New York’s subway system for their summer internships. Some have never been on a train before, some have never seen a homeless person before, and none are ready for what is about to hit them.

Perhaps for better, though, our intern’s high hopes will be squashed right alongside their self-esteem – before they even reach their new office building. Students will learn more from this fabled commute than they will in their entire ‘educational’ internship. Among these critical lessons are how to scan through a turnstile, how to reconcile their 6-figure salary against locals who can’t afford a single subway fare, how to look slightly annoyed all the time, and how to completely ignore and disregard the humanity of those of a lower tax bracket. 

“It’s my favorite time of year,” says Phil Thompkins, a C Line Subway operator who runs from the Upper West Side directly to Wall Street. “Passed down over the years, it’s not just my job to mumble inaudibly into the microphone and shut the doors on students’ arms and legs. It’s my responsibility and my privilege.” 

Truly, the Run of the Interns unites the city’s diverse communities out of shared duty to torment insufferable interns. Without this meaningful tradition, how would America’s future workforce develop real personalities? Thankfully, this is a reality we don’t have to consider. 

It is through these fires and anvils of the New York subway that these boys and girls are forged into the future robber barons of tomorrow. In preparation for this year’s ceremonies, let’s take a look back at some of 2023’s highlights: 

• Bain intern politely said he just ran out of swipes that morning to a man asking for a subway swipe. Then proceed to swipe themselves in using their credit card. 
• Goldman Sachs intern got their Airpod Max’ stolen off their head boarding the M train. Proceeded to call Dad to order them a new pair. 
• Deloitte intern respectfully asked buskers to keep it down a little, because she was “about to take a work call.”
• McKinsey and Co. intern saw a singular rat descending into the subway station and opted to work virtually from Upper East Side hotel.
• JP Morgan Chase intern accidentally forgot that homeless people are equally human and indeed also possess a soul. 
• All of Blackrock’s 2023 New York Summer Intern class independently choose to Uber to and from work after one glance at the stairs. They did not carpool (but did round up to offset their carbon emissions). 
• BCG intern arrived late on their first day because “every train was full.” He waited another 3 hours until a train with an open seat arrived. 

2024 is currently gearing up to blow the events of 2023 out of the water. All eyes, ears, and cameras are on the Subway, so get ready. And please comment below some of your favorite memories from this year’s Run of the Interns!