A Copy Editors Paredise


Thats right love, you made one snarky comment to many. The “look up the definition of ‘ontological’ before you try to use it in an article you dumb idiot” comment on my last Slant piece means war, even if it was a sad nerdy attempt at copy editor humor. No, your the idiot for starting this fight. Copy edit this, bitch.

Who; ever; told; you; you; could; delete; my; semicolons;? Although I’ll concede the one that I used in a single clause sentence was wrong, all other ninety eight we’re correct. Oh no, don’t you dare go on a rant about how only numbers 1 through 9 are spelled out in AP style! Well see how much fight you’ve got left in you once were though punctuation rules.

Let’s talk—commas. I too agree that its great organizational policy for only the copy editors to know that we don’t use the Oxford comma in The Slant. Can’t blame the staff for edits they didn’t know they were supposed to do. Suck on my Oxford comma you AP-style hoe. 

And yes I know the difference between an em–dash and en—dash and a hyphen enough to know that those words should absolutely be hyphenated. I’ll use all three liberally–and by that I mean I’ll exclusively use consecutive hyphens to create all three versions because I don’t know the keyboard shortcuts to actually write an em dash. Don’t you just – and this is a hypothetical because I know you don’t —love me?

I hope your eyes turn bloodshot and you’re skin takes on a perpetual pallid grey colour as you lie awake crying over my inability too correctly use colons in my articles. Oh wait, we’re you gonna comment that were in the U.S. so I should be using “gray” and “color”? Dumbass, the voice of my article is haughty English! Look at the first three words you idiot, you think any American would say “that’s right love”? And you call yourself a copy editor!

And if, perchance, you were to encounter a stanza of prose like the one your eyes are now glancing over what might you do? Would you even dare to simplify my rhetorical prowess in hopes of creating an article that radiated greater clarity and enlightenment upon its reader? No, bitch, that’s my satirical voice! Your “simplification” is gonna ruin it!

How about we dive down to the root cause of the problem. You’re inability to come up with a single funny pitch means your forever destined to bitch and moan about my grammar without having the creativity to make the 69th HOD joke like me. Lol 69 get it? Sex is funny. Really, theirs no hope for you when, of the few jokes you make, there wholly reliant on they’re grammatical punchlines. 

I’ll leave you with this. When I write DivestDores instead of DoresDivest, Diermeir instead of Diermeier, and College of Arts and Sciences instead of College of Arts and Science, its not out of stupidity, it’s out of love. Deep down, I know you get a twisted sort of pleasure out of catching all my little mistakes and I’m happy to feed you’re superiority complex until the day I leave staff. Copy edit away, love. 

  • March 30, 2021