Ways To Keep Warm This Winter

By Gus T. Wynd

Here at The Slant, we care about your well-being. Now, we don’t have the staff or desire to do that Monday meditation with you, but we’ve got some tips to get you through the holiday season. I mean, I can already feel the cold, frigid air taking hold of me like a hyena waiting to pounce on its prey — a scavenger in the wild, yearning for any ounce of humanity it can latch onto. Anyway, let’s get to it!

1. Hibernation.

When bears use the life hack of just sleeping through the cold, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “exhibiting signs and symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder.” I sense a double standard.

2. Burrow yourself in the construction manholes on campus.

There’s no shortage of them. And if you can’t find one, don’t worry — they’ll sneak up on ya.

And as an added benefit, you could find yourself a little construction buddy to cozy up with. I’ve heard they’ve got some great tools, too.

3. Wear your ex’s hoodie.

Hey babe, I know it’s been a whole three weeks since we broke up — mutually — and I’m sorry for fucking your best friend the next day, but I have needs. And really, I ended that because I realized you’re the one for me, babe. What do you say? It’s cuffing season and I just bought a new pair of handcuffs. I promise I won’t lose the key this time. I miss you, please come back, babe.

4. Grab some industrial chlorofluorocarbons and create a hole in the ozone.

Now the sun will really warm you up!

5. Give your mom a BIG hug!

And then come to the realization that she is the only person that will ever truly love you, and that once she is gone you will be destined to carry out the remainder of your sad existence alone with only the scarf she knitted you to keep you warm. And it’s not even real wool. 

6. Drink the blood of your enemies. 

I’ve heard it’s got antioxidants! But, like, be aware of ethical consumption of course, and make sure that no one was harmed in the process and that it’s all farm to table. I am vegetarian after all.

7. A beanie.

This one’s a twofer: you can be hot (literally) AND mysterious. Maybe take up skateboarding too.

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