Got So Many Bitches I Can’t Keep ‘em Straight: My Journey Helping Women Discover Their Sexuality

College is a time of exploration, right? Isn’t that the joke? The stereotype? That people have their “gay phase?” Now your reaction here is one of three things: either you’re nodding your head, shaking it aggressively to mask your homoeroticism or you’re quickly realizing this is not the right article for helping you figure out how to date in college.

When I came to college, I had heard rumors from people that the desire to explore other options was enticing, but for me, it was a siren’s call I had always, somehow, avoided. Unfortunately, there seems to be a small pocket community of people who have fallen victim to the queer call: every single girl I’ve dated in college.

Yes, you read that right. Somehow, every single girl I’ve dated for nearly three years has shattered my heart by telling me that they are, in fact, gay. And that it took them until dating me to realize it. I mean everyone has at least one story like this (right?), but this past weekend marks my ninth. I think one more means I can redeem my punch card at Play Nashville for a free drink.

I keep thinking it’s them, something they’ve done, something about who they are. But maybe it’s me? Maybe I shouldn’t have such soft skin and peggable twink energy? Maybe my soft luscious lips and mile-long eyelashes are too feminine? Maybe I should have been a little more curious when she said her favorite movie is Blue is the Warmest Color? There’s only one common denominator here and it is definitely not the oversized sweaters or wide-rim circular glasses.

My friends keep giving me shit about it too. Not because it’s hilarious that it keeps happening, but because they genuinely enjoy hanging out with the girls I bring home like they’re “one of the guys.” That and their Subaru Crosstreks are always surprisingly comfortable for five of us to drive to softball practice in.

Now it’s getting to the point where I am setting up my exes because they have such similar taste. The first two girls I dated in college have been dating for over two years now! I have yet to go on more than two dates before hearing: “we need to talk…” You listen to that and tell me you still believe in God.
But all of this is just background information before announcing my true intentions. I’m going into business to sell my skills to the community. For a small investment + the cost of dinner, I will take your straightish/heteroflexible/questioning friend out on up to two dates to tilt the scales in your favor. I have a 100 percent satisfaction guarantee for everyone EXCEPT for the women I date, but so do most men at Vanderbilt so I think we’re good.