John Wick: Chapter 4 Was Great, but Here Are Some Suggestions for How it Could be Better!


John Wick, played by whatshisname, is a modern staple and icon of the action genre, as the series whirls through excellently crafted fight scenes, chase scenes and even more excellently crafted fight scenes. However, despite how incredibly well the guy from the Matrix kills people and how much of a boner I get when Wick unleashes the power of a flamethrower on various nationalities or when he’s walking away from an explosion (so cool), I think there’s room for improvement in the John Wick franchise. Here are four ways to make John Wick: Chapter 4 a better movie.

  1. John Wick is now from Bethlehem

Despite what Kanye says, I think John Wick would benefit a lot from being of Jewish origin. There’s a sad lack of representation of Jewish people in action movies starring the Matrix guy. This problem is solved by having John Wick be born in Bethlehem. And then, they can rebrand John Wick: Parabellum as Parabethlehem!

  1. Mention John Wick’s mother more/make her a virgin

Despite being the one who birthed John Wick, Mother Wick (what’s her maiden name?) barely gets mentioned. Would John ever have been that impressive if his mother hadn’t birthed him, raised him and taken care of him? Is it even mentioned that John got his brooding appearance and charisma from his mother? Does anyone even know that when John was born, three wise men appeared at his doorstep? In my edit of the story, I’d have John’s mother, call her Mary for no reason in particular, be integral to the story of the fourth movie. Also, for reasons that will be explained in the movie, I want her to be a massive virgin.

  1. Crucify John Wick

I think John Wick’s life has gone on for far too long. He has survived and suffered through more than any person has. He’s suffered more than Sisyphus, more than Van Gogh, more than Elon Musk and Andrew Tate. That’s why I think he should suffer more—he is used to it after all. I think we need a poetic ending to his character arc, so I suggest he is crucified by the shadow spy people he always fights. Oh, and also, he should definitely be shirtless in this scene.

  1. John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I want John Wick to be more like the Bible. I want a flood to sweep away all of John Wick’s rivals, I want locusts to swarm the skies and I want people to live until they’re 350 years old. I want Noah to lift up those soft hands of his and split the sea like a God-damn wishbone. Water into wine, David and Goliath, the whole nine yards.

Well, that was my ultimate plan. God isn’t present in most circles of society, so I’ve made it my mission to spread the message of our Lord and Savior through any means possible. No matter what the blue haired pronouns say, I think we can use some Jesus in our lives right about now and I think John Wick, or better yet, Jesus Wick, is the perfect way to do it.

  • May 7, 2023