The Top Ten Ten Commandments (God Does Not Want You To See This) (Number One Will Shock You!)


By Jeff Malarky

10) The Second Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Graven Image

For starters, holy shit is this hard to understand. Did they not have Grammarly back then? So this one basically forbids making shrines and praying to them. This just feels a bit outdated to me. Yea, maybe in the 16th century BC building a shrine was a fun thing to do to celebrate once you and the boys finally discovered how to cultivate wheat, but we have much better things to do now, like coveting my neighbor’s wife or bearing false witness against my neighbor.  I’d love to put it higher, but it just isn’t relevant anymore.

9) The Fourth Commandment: Remember the Sabbath Day, to Keep it Holy

I have no problem with this. There’s nothing better than a lazy Sunday after going hard Saturday night. Even Jesus knew that. However, the execution is lacking for me. God clearly hadn’t heard of the Sunday Scaries. I get at the time this was written, Jebidah and his lads didn’t have com sci problem sets due at 11:59, but some of us have responsibilities on Sunday. It seems impossible to truly fulfill this commandment. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t experienced the full glory of the Sabbath, but I find it hard to rank this one higher.

8) The Tenth Commandment: Covet Not Thy Neighbor’s Wife

I was a bit torn on this one. One one hand, the word covet is an amazing word. On the flip side, my neighbor’s wife is an absolute smokeshow. Tough call.

7) The Third Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of the Lord Thy God in Vain

This isn’t completely unreasonable. However, it’s asking me to change the way I talk, and if I wouldn’t stop calling my mom “chief,” I’m certainly not doing it for some thousand year old piece of rock. 

6) The First Commandment: You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me

I like this one. It’s pretty understanding. As long as I make God the star on my roster, I’m good to fill the rest of the team with some surrounding talent. With that in mind, I do think that Ryan Reynolds is a close second. I mean everything he touches is golden, and it has nothing to do with his gorgeous smile and chiseled abs. I just really respect his cinematography. And his eyes. Definitely his eyes. 

5) The Sixth Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Kill

I don’t fuck with murder. I’ll say it straight off the bat. Besides the obvious moral issue associated with killing somebody, I think there are better ways to get back at the person who wronged you. I mean, it’s 2023. You can get more creative than murder. Try deleting the app where they store their passwords. Have fun being locked out of the email you haven’t used since 8th grade but still need occasionally. Idiot. 

4) The Eighth Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Steal

I agree with this for the most part. Stores are struggling these days post Covid. It wouldn’t be right to the Walton family or the owners of Target if I stole from them. They’re already struggling so much. The caveat to this would be that I don’t think it should apply to small family owned businesses. The small mom and pop shop in my town is going to fail anyway, so I may as well speed along the process. I’m doing them a favor by helping them move on with their life. 

3) The Ninth Commandment : Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Your Neighbor

This is one of the most versatile commandments out there in my opinion. Not only does it prohibit you from lying, it also stops you from telling your friends secrets. Plus, I love the background behind this commandment. The inspiration came from when Jesus was in the bar trying to chat up this girl, and some a-hole named Judas started slandering him and telling lies about his character. We’ve all been there. This is definitely one of the more topical commandments. 

2) The Seventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

Let’s not cheat on people. This isn’t even satire at this point. In highschool, my now-ex girlfriend told me that “I seemed like the type of person whose wife would cheat on him.” That’s not even a joke. Like I’m completely serious. Anyway, that hurt, so I can’t imagine actually getting cheated on.

1) The Fifth Commandment: Honour Thy Father and Thy Mother

Classy. Simple. Genuine. I love this. The British spelling of honor had me wondering if this commandment was truly worthy of the top spot, but even the all powerful makes mistakes sometimes and forgets that American English is the only language that matters. Plus, I love the feminist representation in this commandment; God was clearly ahead of his time in demanding that his followers respect a woman, even if it is their own mother. 

  • February 8, 2023