Diermeier Dormitories to Replace Branscomb Quad in Fall 2022

Vanderbilt Chancellor Daniel Diermeier recently announced his plans to tear down Branscomb Quadrangle, an upper-level residence hall that notably houses Ethan Wacker, pledges who failed to get a bid freshman year and transfer students who simply don’t know any better. The Diermeier Dormitories will be built in its place.

When I spoke to Diermeier about this decision, he stated that he first and foremost wanted to dispel the misconceptions about the new residence hall’s name. It is not named for Daniel Diermeier, but rather for his father, who taught him his love of difficult conversations. This began in his pre-teen years when the two would often argue at dinner over whether or not his dyed fringe was “just a phase.” 

In regards to funding, Diermeier said that students “shouldn’t worry about where the money is coming from” and should instead focus on all of the amenities that the Diermeier Dormitories will offer. These include a petroleum-powered heating system and the state-of-the-art Exxon Lounge. Additionally, each year one lucky student will get to take up residency in the Penthouse Suite, which will occupy the top two floors of the building. The resident will be chosen through a lottery process a la the Hunger Games. Additional slips, Diermeier eagerly noted, can be purchased through charitable donations to Fridays for Fracking. 

Some students have expressed concern about the impending arrival of Diermeier Dormitories. One student remarked that they thought that Diermeier Dormitories would “erase the legacy of the feminist baddies Branscomb was named for.” Another feared that their EES major might bar them from living in the dorms. 

Diermeier ended our interview by revealing the destruction of Branscomb would begin “literally as soon as possible.” While displaced, its current residents are being offered temporary quarters on Greek Row in the houses of suspended frats. “Everytime I walk past a dorm building that doesn’t have a phallic tower protruding out of it, it makes me sad. It’s Branscomb’s time to get with the program,” Diermeier said. “Who knows, maybe I’ll build the Diermeier Residential College over Highland next. We can definitely stand to be without a couple dorms next semester.”