By: Keiji Chan
Classes this semester got you down? Putting too much emphasis on the “play hard” portion of “work hard, play hard” school? Not putting enough emphasis on either and instead focusing your efforts towards hunting down and capturing that pesky, frugal scammer known as the tooth fairy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you received a mysterious email about a month ago telling you to log in to your YES Message Center. After clicking the attached link, sorting through the eight subsequent tabs, surpassing the omnipresent eye of DUO Mobile, submitting your medical records for additional health clearance, scanning both sides of your credit card, and getting a document forfeiting the title to your home to Vanderbilt University signed by a notary public, you arrive at the YES Message Center landing page, which contains an urgent message titled “Midterm Deficiency Notification.” Rather than panicking and blocking your parents (or legal guardians) on all communication platforms, use one of The Slant’s recommended methods to come clean and explain the unfortunate news to the ones paying for your D- in Gen Bio.
1. It’s a deficiency, not a dysfunction.
At least your grades haven’t suffered the demise that your reproductive health has! Libido in a sexual sense may be long gone, but libido for that possibility of a B- is alive and well. Now just imagine if there were a pill for getting up (haha) and going to class!
2. At least now essential vitamins and minerals aren’t the only thing I’m deficient in.
You may be feeling lightheaded when standing up too fast due to an iron deficiency, and now you’re feeling the same way opening that BSCI 1510 midterm grade! Not to mention you definitely don’t understand the biological underpinnings of your health condition. Talk about a crazy crossover!
3. I am only taking this course as part of a bit in my upcoming Slant TV comedy special.
Little do your folks know that you’re on the brink of signing your breakthrough deal with Comedy Central following the critical acclaim of your Slant TV exclusive: Boneheads in Biology (no relation to your unfortunate reproductive health condition). Every episode is built on the premise of making a bigger fool out of yourself as the semester goes on!
4. While we’re on the subject, it might be important to note that I am only enrolled at this university as part of a bit in my upcoming Slant TV comedy special.
While you’re on the subject, it could be worth mentioning that your entire academic career from your college applications until now has all been part of a thoroughly prepared and masterfully orchestrated plot line in your Slant TV blockbuster comedy feature film. Boneheads in Biology is merely episode 1, and by the looks of the rave reviews and multiple calls from major film festivals, the production company is going to need continual funding to stay enrolled in college for the collection of future content.
5. I forgor 💀
When all else fails, pull out the last resort, tried and true, gut-busting trump card: “I forgor 💀” in the family iMessage chat, followed by a friendly invite to join a game of GamePigeon Cup Pong. Genetically speaking, if you’ve got a nice iron-y diet of stupid internet humor and a tendency to overuse comedic motifs, there is a very high chance your parents have a sense of humor too and can appreciate a good gag as a response to a serious question about your academic standing. But what do I know about genetics? I’m not the one enrolled in Introductory Biology. If I were, I’d probably get a midterm deficiency anyway!
