Rating the Statues on Campus by How Fuckable They Are

7/10

Sleek, sexy but a little bit boring. This statue is nothing exciting, but definitely worth the fuck. The hole in the middle makes things pretty easy, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can probably do better.

1/10

NO. Do not even think about it. This is by far the least fuckable statue on campus. No matter what you try to do with it, you’re ending up in the hospital. The only reason this gets a one instead of a zero is because one of you freaks is probably into it.

5/10

You could go either way on this one. On one hand, it’s a great shape. On the other hand, it is VERY SPIKY great shape. This one isn’t for the faint of heart, but it could definitely get pretty erotic. Caution is advised.

10/10

Now this right here is a fuckable statue. Dick out, rock hard abs and off the charts confidence tell you right away that this statue FUCKS. I’d absolutely fuck this statue any day of the week, no holds barred. If you’re looking to get with a statue on campus, this is the way to go.

0/10

No. This is a dog.

3/10

Look, there are some of you out there who are going to be into this one. You wanna get spit on, whatever. If that’s your thing, not my problem, but this one’s getting a no from me. Why are the heads so long? It’s very concerning. Hard pass.

8/10

As the great founder of our school, Cornelius Vanderbilt is prime sugar daddy material. He’s got the money to throw around, and he’s not afraid to spoil you. Play your cards right and you might even get a building named after you one day.