In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from.
As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose in the locker room showers. We sent an intrepid Slant intern into the heart of the admin’s nether-regions to get answers about this new testing procedure.
Dean Bandas’ spokeswoman Tess Evonmoore expanded on the policy guidelines in an exclusive interview. When asked about the purpose of increasing weekly testing, she had a surprising answer:
“Well, ever since a recently-terminated researcher leaked to the press that we were cloning students, we decided to double down and ramp up production on our DNA-duplicating research projects. We’ve been making some real headway. Actually, let me rephrase that: we’ve made a lot of progress in making heads. Making the bodies is still an issue.”
When asked why the project requires so much spit, Mrs. Evonmoore explained:
“Well, we’ve had some competing interests. The biggest problem is that Chancellor Diermeier keeps hoarding our spit samples as part of his “praying to Dark Gods” fundraising rituals. We’ve tried to curtail his spit allotment, but every time we talk to him his skin starts unpeeling and out come the tentacles. Trust me, it’s easier to siphon off more student spit than it is to sacrifice any more lower-level admin to Diermeier’s wrath.”
When asked what the ultimate goal of this student cloning experiment is, Mrs. Evonmoore became visibly giddy:
“Oh, it’s going to be great. Right now, all you undergraduates are so whiny, with your demands that the university be accountable for our energy investments’ contributions to climate change, and your observations that the sexual assault reporting protocol is still bafflingly nontransparent. All you guys do is moan and complain in your GroupMe and iMessage chats, and write stupid satirical news articles about how Chancellor Diermeier is a Lovecraftian monstrosity. Well, soon that won’t matter because we’ll have brainwashed duplicates of all you brats! And they’ll be glad to fork over seventy-thousand a year for a practically-virtual education, you’ll see!”
At this point in the interview, Mrs. Evonmoore sicced four identical KA frat clones on our Slant intern. However, the clones were easily occupied by asking them to elaborate on their summer internship plans.
Our intern fled into the Stevenson steam tunnels, where he stumbled across a surly University Covid-testing employee taking a leak into a novelty Mr. C cup through a testing funnel.
When asked his thoughts on the new testing protocols in place, the testing employee zipped up his pants and gave some interesting insight:
“Oh yeah, the new testing protocol? It’s one big identity fraud scheme, oh yeah! Haven’t you heard?”
When asked to clarify, the testing employee began to explain while gesticulating wildly with his newly-filled cup:
“We started asking for all that sweet, sweet identifying info so that we can sell off your identities when the big clone experiment is activated. Apparently University funds are tight, so the admin folks determined that identity fraud is a viable revenue stream. I’ve been putting aside some identities for myself, under the table, you know? I can’t wait to sell these Social Security numbers and buy me some more GameStop stock shares.”
When asked if he had any further valuable information, the testing employee had one final piece of gossip to share:
“Yeah, so you know how they had that Commodores Care period? Here’s a big fat secret: they don’t really care! Ha! Now get out of my swamp!”
This has been a report written by James Blair, who is currently serving an indefinite quarantine within the Central Library Stacks by order of Supreme Leader Bandas.
Our Slant intern was reimbursed for his harrowing reporting experience—well, he’s still not being paid or getting course credit, but we gave him a sticker book and referred him to the UCC. Same thing.
