Vanderbilt Study Suggests You’re, “Not Like Other Girls”


By Anonymous

Recent research by faculty and graduate students from the Vanderbilt Anthropology department indicates that your incredible fashion, taste in music, and your authentic personality set you apart from all of those other girls. After sampling hundreds from the female population at Vanderbilt, the study, which aimed to expose your originality and uniqueness, revealed substantial evidence contradicting claims against you being “basic.”

Dr. Oswald Martin, the director of the study, was inspired to undertake such an endeavor after he overheard that you “don’t think The Office is that funny.” “It’s simply unheard of,” said Dr. Martin. “I mean come on, everybody likes The Office! When I first heard such a bold, yet fresh opinion, I knew I’d found someone special.”

As the team led by Dr. Martin dove deeper in their examination of your lifestyle, they were amazed once they unearthed your Twitter feed. On your profile, they unsurfaced some of your tweets that showed signs of incredible uniqueness. On November 4th at 2:44 a.m., you tweeted, “Rex Orange County is such a VIBE… you wouldn’t understand” and on November 12th “The Less I Know the Better slaps omg.” “Not just any girl would know about these artists,” Dr. Martin said. “The sophistication… the culture… I’m at a loss for words!”

 With your permission, the researchers were allowed to enter your dorm room. The first item that caught their eye was your astrology chart. The researchers later claimed that you were “obviously a Scorpio.” They noted that your scented candle and string lights created a “distinct aesthetic and generated positive, chill vibes” that no other girl could hope to induce. Perhaps most shocking of all, the research team found a Chicago Bears flag on the wall in the corner of your room. Assistant Research leader, Dr. Arnold Jefferson, was floored by the results. “A GIRL that likes SPORTS?!?!? UNHEARD OF!!!” Jefferson exclaimed.  

Graduate assistant Robbie Jefferson was “astonished” at the characteristics of the study’s subject. He added, “I’ve never seen another girl like this. All the girls I know are so boring and basic. Oh no, I think I’ve fallen in love with the test subject! Do you think she would want to watch Wes Anderson movies with me?”

In the conclusions of their research, Dr. Martin’s team determined that one of the primary reasons for your inherent sophistication and style is your refusal to acknowledge the credibility of anything from the dumpster fire that is mainstream popular culture. “It’s fascinating, really,” Dr. Martin concluded. “How did we find such an anomaly? Maybe I should start looking into that guy who listens exclusively to Tyler, the Creator and wears Thrasher all the time.” 

  • January 16, 2020