This isn’t Satire, But Here Are Ten Reasons Why You Should Vote for Bernie


By Charles Kay and Taylor Matalon

  1. The foundation of Bernie’s platform is equitably redistributing our country’s immense wealth. Why? Because the top 1% have more money than the bottom 90% and the ten richest families hold 76% of our country’s wealth. Nothing funny here, just historically unprecedented levels of economic inequality and a man trying to resurrect the working class.
  2. His foreign policy track record has been incredible for the past four years. Most notably, he led the charge to end U.S. support of the conflict in Yemen. Funny? No. Extremely effective and noble? You bet.
  3. 200,000 Americans have died from guns since 9/11. That’s 66.6666666666666666666666666666666666666666667 9/11’s. Or one 9/11 every 40.49999999997975 days.
  4. Climate change is getting really bad, guys. I think we gotta call Mom. I don’t care if we get grounded! Do you know how long we’ll be grounded for if we don’t call her now? (Bernie is Mom. We gotta call him.)
  5. He’d be the first Jewish president. That’s right, Barack Obama is not a Jew. And while we’re at it, Rutherford B. Hayes wasn’t half Korean.
  6. He’s definitely an atheist. Kamala Harris, on the other hand, said “With faith in God… I announce my candidacy for President of the United States.” I mean, oof. It’s 2019, Kamala.
  7. Obama’s centrist “Reach across the aisle!” approach proved itself to be fruitless. Barack “Super Fucking Cool” Obama gave us drone warfare, a prolonged war in Afghanistan, NSA surveillance, a mishandling of Syria, a whole bunch of deportations, U.S. Military troops in 138 nations, Romneycare, a bailout, more Guantanamo, Nuclear Arms spending, amnesty for CIA torturers, and Trump himself. Chant it with me: no more centrists, no more gentiles, only progressive Jews!
  8. His history of racial justice activism dates back to the 60s. What was Corey Booker doing then? Sitting in his third-grade classroom, dreaming about conspiring with Big Pharma. And Kamala? Playing cops and robbers during recess and always being the cop.
  9. Bernie is cooler than Beto is hot. This is a fact.
  10. Bernie wants to lower the price of drugs. None of the fun ones, but still cool.

While Bernie’s aforementioned lifelong commitment to justice and unparalleled progressivism may seem like comedic concoctions by the likes of Mark Twain, everything in this article is oh so real.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re either Dan (hey Dan), or you have some time on your hands. Check out the links below. But again, you won’t find any yucks or witticisms, just compelling literature and troubling facts of reality. Okay you know what, we’ll sneak something funny in one of the links. On second thought, no we won’t.

  1. He’s like Hillary in that he tries really hard at foreign policy, but he’s not like Hillary in that he’s good at foreign policy.
  2. Corey Booker is a vegan so he can’t eat the rich like Bernie.
  3. Gun deaths 🙁.
  4. Where to even begin on this one.
  5. The Jews Will Not Replace Us.
  6. Bernie’s an atheist. Trust us.
  7. Drones are really cool but also OP. Syria. We have too many troops. Guantanamo Bay needs to be cancelled. More stuff Obama knew was too boring to rile people up.
  8. Yung Bernie was insanely cool and somehow he still hasn’t peaked.
  9. 😛 look at that follow through. Meanwhile, Beto volunteers to be ref during pick up.
  10. Cheap drugs.
  • March 12, 2019