Comedians send thank-you letter to President Trump for saving satire

In a long-anticipated gesture, comedians and satirists around the country are signing a letter addressed to President Donald Trump to express their undying gratitude for his contributions to the state of humor in the United States. A coalition of humorists will formally present the framed array of signatures to the White House in early November, just in time for the two-year anniversary of the president’s election in 2016.

“He’s made our jobs so much easier,” late night host Steed-Venn Cold Bear told the Slant. “Before 2016, we’d always have to spend hours in the writing room just brainstorming, and even then, half the stuff we’d turn out would be crap. Now all we have to do is casually go on CNN and bam! The content just writes itself.”

The letter will also include a Lifetime Achievement Award from Comedy Central’s annual Comedy Awards, which Viacom recently revived for the sole purpose of honoring Trump.

“This man is a godsend,” Mara Goldwoman said. “President Trump has spent so much of his career lifting up struggling comics with his mastery of satire–he even prioritizes our well-being over concealing his bald spots. When he said that he cared about American jobs, he meant it.”

Now, humorists nationwide are debating whether to vote Democratic or Republican on this year’s Election Day. Shifting the balance of power towards the Democrats could put a damper on the president’s illustrious comedy career, while keeping Republicans in the majority could launch it to unprecedented levels.

“I think in this instance, we have to be very careful about who we elect,” comedian Seth McNearstreet said. “Keeping Republicans in power could lead to economic, political, social and environmental disaster for this country. More importantly, they’ll become too good at comedy and outcompete us. If the government keeps up with its shenanigans, the already hazy line between satire and reality will blur. Maybe the genre of comedy will die completely.”

Other comedians also echoed his worries about their job prospects.

“I’m going to vote Republican on November 6, just to keep them in control of Congress,” Saturday Night Live actress Kite MacClannon said. “If competent, sensible, boring politicians are actually elected, I’ll lose 90 percent of my content. If Republicans stay in power, I’ll get to keep my job and they’ll get to keep theirs. It’s a win-win situation.”