Op-Ed: No Fucking Way You Play the Alpenhorn

Look, I get it. Vanderbilt is really selective in its admissions. Everyone that’s here is special in some way, or has some thing that made their application stand out.

I guess there’s no way around it at a school with such a low acceptance rate. If you get into Vanderbilt, you definitely have some sort of life story that would blow an admissions officer away. But I have to stand by what I said:

There is no fucking way you play the alpenhorn.

Now, I’ve come across a lot of unique talents. I’ve met two beekeepers. Two. But at least beekeeping is a task that accomplishes something. Beekeeping is something I can sort of get my head around.

But the goddamn alpenhorn?

Sure, maybe you play the French horn. Or the banjo. That’s pretty special. I could see an admissions officer being really impressed if you play the banjo. But the alpenhorn is a stretch too far.

Where would you even get a fucking alpenhorn? The Alps?

How the fuck do you get to the Alps?

Honestly, I do think you’re a cool person. I mean, we all saw the résumé you posted on your door. 36 on the ACT, class president, multiple community service awards. That’s all really great.

But cut it out with that alpenhorn crap.

No one believes you.