An Interview With Aristotle on the 2016 Election

Flowy tops, gladiator sandals, and lusciously curly beards might seem fitting for the hipster scene of an off-campus Starbucks, but heads turn when someone walks in sporting all three. The Slant was fortunate enough to sit down with Greek philosopher Aristotle this afternoon to discuss this divisive presidential election. As the founder of the field of political science, he gave his mid-300’s BC perspective on our 2016 political process.

The Slant: Hello, Mr. Aristotle. Thank you for joining us this morning. We’d like to congratulate you on your success as a political scientist and philosopher, as your works built the foundation of modern thinking. They’ve influenced millions of people and are still taught in our schools.

Aristotle: Well, I thank you kindly. It means a lot to know that my work is still relevant. Good to know we finally beat those sophists, huh?

TS: Could you clarify what a sophist is, Mr. Aristotle, for our less-informed readers?

A: Sure thing, son. A sophist is someone who uses rhetoric tactics in their arguments that employ emotion, instead of reason and logic, to influence people. I’m sure glad that that’s behind us.

TS: Uh, actually, that’s one of the major critiques of politics today…

We gestured helplessly to the “Bad Hombre” and “Nasty Woman” shirts in the coffeeshop line.

A: Is that so? But surely they don’t take money from the elite and powerful in exchange for changing their views, then. Mouthpiece leaders went out of fashion about two thousand years ago.

TS: Well, there are these things called PACs that are sometimes made up of corporations which give money to candidates. Like hundreds of millions of dollars.

A: I mean, that makes some sense, as people who have given their lives to politics aren’t often living luxuriously. Politics never really got the respect it deserved, sadly. Philosopher kings should live their lives together in some comfort, at least.

TS: Wait, you mean, like, together? Like they’re all on the same team?

A: Why, of course! I said we should have a few leaders who work together for what’s best for the people. Is that not what has happened here?

TS: We have two political parties that work against each other most of the time. It’s pretty rare for them to agree on something, actually.

A: But you at least vote for candidates who are the most ‘good,’ correct? And the most virtuous person who will lead the most people to virtue will win, of course.

TS: We vote for the one that we like the best, usually. Or the one that makes us the least angry. Like, some of the criticisms this of this year are that one has really bad hair and kind of looks like a soggy breadstick, while the other one wears a lot of pantsuits that get some slack, no pun intended. Making citizens better people isn’t really a part of it.

At this point, Aristotle began to sob in the middle of our interview.

A: WHY, GOD, WHY?

TS: I thought you believed that a higher power isn’t involved in life here on earth?

A: Something has to save me from this election.