Engineer Can’t Stop Rubbing Nipples While Explaining Coursework

William Thompson, a sophomore from Roanoke, Virginia, has been spotted, across campus, massaging his nipples while talking with Mechanical Engineering classmates. Some students close to him believe Thompson has developed an erotic attraction to the difficulty of Vanderbilt’s Engineering School.

“I noticed it during syllabus week,” said roommate and relaxed HOD major Blake Townes. “When I asked how classes went, he kept saying ‘They are going to be so hard. Oooohhhh man. They are going to be so unnecessarily difficult.’” Townes also explained that the habit began innocently, claiming, “He would just close his eyes when discussing how unhelpful his TA was, but since he found out the professor was going to curve the grades down, and it’s been nonstop nipple rubbing.”

Thompson’s condition fully manifested itself last week at an Engineering Honors event in Vanderbilt’s Featheringill Hall. While speaking to interested freshman, Thompson was overheard saying “One time my teacher refused to give anyone an A…It was amazing!” and “HOD students don’t even use multiple Acer Computers.”

Further investigation shows Thompson was briefly hospitalized during last spring’s final exams for severe nipple chafing. Although he declined to comment on the issue, a particularly jaded grad school TA confirmed that Thompson emitted deep moaning noises while taking his final exam. “I refused to award partial credit, but it only seemed to excite him further,” said the TA.

Thompson was last seen explaining how hard his major is to a group of Belmont students, who appeared both confused and uninterested.

Editor’s note: author briefly tried engineering