Your UF Tailgate Experience According to Your Horoscope

The astrological forces have been waiting for this day, and it’s now less than 24 hours away. The UF tailgate is a highly anticipated cosmic event, so it’s best to stay informed. The Slant checked in with our Horoscope Guru to get the scoop on what’ll go down.

Editor’s note: A new star sign has been discovered, but as Ophiuchus is the Hufflepuff of the star signs, we don’t really care.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Mercury is in Gatorade, so don’t drink that mixed drink you get handed tomorrow. It’s literally liquid mercury poured into Gatorade. You would die.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Who’s a good boy?! You’re a good boy! Yes, you are! Good dog, do you wanna treat? Yes you do!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Expect to wake up on a UF student bus, halfway down I-75S on Sunday morning. Good luck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Wow, your hair looks so pretty today!

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Wow, your hair looks really greasy today.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): The Moon is moving into your quadrant of coordination tomorrow, Pisces. You’ll be able to stumble between various fraternity houses all day long, with minimal injury.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Shit, what’s that behind you? LOOK OUT!

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Network connectivity error has occurred. Do you want to send this report to Apple?

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You will butt dial your grandmother in the middle of the tailgate, and she will remain on the phone for 46 minutes, confused. You’re an asshole.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, an airbender named Aang. And although his airbending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone. But I believe Aang can save the world.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Don’t forget to wipe.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Cookout is always a good idea when you’re drunk! Even when you’re gluten free, peanut free, soy free, meat free, potato free, and allergic to dairy. You’ll be fine!