Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 1 [Spoilers (DUH)]

JON SNOW IS ALIVE. Fan theories have been widely circulating, supposing that as Melisandre closed his eyes, a small breath of air escaped his lips. Wild speculations have exploded on how the Lady in Red made this miraculous rebirth, but one thing’s for certain: good ol’ Jonny Snowboobs is ready to take on the snow zombies again.  

Just kidding. He’s still dead. But you totally believed me for a second.  

Arya Stark whirled her stick blindly around to defend herself from a faceless woman, which would make for a weird porn scene but a fitting beginning for an epic montage. Daenerys had a classy interaction with yet another Khal that went something like this:

Khal: Let’s get naked.

Daenerys: My name is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the first of her name; Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men; Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm; the Unburnt; Mother of Dragons; Breaker of Chains; Queen of Meereen; and a Theta.  

Khal: Nah seriously, show me your boobs.

Daenerys: Oh yeah I hooked up with Khal Drogo.

Khal: Bro code says queens can’t double dip if ya know what I mean.

The Dornes got shish kebabed out of existence; Cersei got saltier than the imitation Indian food served at Commons; Sansa, Brienne, and her well-endowed squire joined forces; and the audience was left patiently awaiting a Hound/Mountain faceoff.  

But perhaps the most deflating part of the episode was the very end. And by deflating, I’m definitely talking about boobs. Melisandre’s shocking transformations really caused us fans to take a moment and say a little prayer to our boy Stannis, who had an intimate relationship with the 200-year-old fire witch. She, much like the Patriots, had her “footballs” “deflated” to say the least. The Deflategate scandal has had many a fan wondering what more this show has in store. The answer, as always, is more boobs.