Area Man at Red Light Knows He Should Have Turned

New York, New York—“Ah, shit.” Sources report hearing those words leave the window of Brian Shaker’s Chevy Impala on Thursday afternoon. 

After sitting at the red light of the Manhattan intersection of West 34th and 7th Ave for over a minute, Shaker failed to judge the speed of a deceptively slow-approaching car. 

According to unconfirmed reports, Shaker cringed inside his car as he watched a gap pass by that traffic experts posit could have been comfortably filled by an eighty-five year-old grandmother in Fred Flintstone’s car. More than six car horns were reportedly heard after the hesitation. 

Shaker was then seen staring directly ahead—hands gripped at ten and two—as the car to his left inched forward. 

“He looked over at me and mouthed “I know; I know,” said the other driver. “Couldn’t even look me in the eyes. That jackass has never merged a day in his life.”

A Slant reporter who continued following Shaker onto 7th Ave at a speed of 20 mph said the man was later seen meekly waving out of his driver’s-side window after making his third adjustment on a parallel park attempt.