After recent news that Hillary Clinton has developed a case of pneumonia, voters and officials from both sides of the aisle are becoming concerned with the candidate’s bid for the White House. As the skepticism surrounding the Democratic hopeful’s physical fitness to serve as commander-in-chief grows, The Slant interviews Brad, a pre-med freshman who has conducted extensive medical research on Clinton’s health issues.
“As soon as I heard about the pneumonia, I got worried. I needed to put that 4 in AP Physics to use somehow, so I started investigating the rest of Hillary’s health history, and that’s when things got really scary,” said Brad.
According to Brad’s research, Clinton’s current ailments aren’t the only ones voters should be worried about. In fact, after examining photos of Clinton taken from the Democratic debates, Brad noticed something even more troubling: Clinton has breasts.
“I was really shocked, but honestly I was mostly terrified. I had seen this kind of thing before, but usually on teachers or nurses or secretaries or cupcake shop owners… I suppose I had occasionally seen them on a politician but only on extremely robust folks like Chris Christie. Just the idea of it made me really uncomfortable… from, you know, a professional perspective,” said Brad.
Brad says that it isn’t just the idea of Clinton’s protruding chest that should worry voters, it’s the implications, too. He says that the presence of breasts often corresponds to heightened levels of estrogen, a substance that is thought to cause irrational behavior.
Brad outlined his specific worries, mansplaining explaining that “estrogen is basically a fancy word that we in the medical world use to refer to ‘crazy lady juice,’ a substance which can lead people to react to small things in ridiculously dramatic ways. Say that a person with high levels of estrogen had access to, oh I don’t know, nuclear access codes, for example. This person would be extremely likely to go off their rocker and nuke places willy-nilly, especially during that time of the month. This is what the science tells us at least.”
According to Brad, estrogen can also heighten sexual stimulation, which he says can cause a person to be so sexually inappropriate that they could even be attracted to their own children. Additionally, he outlined even more concerns about the symptoms of Clinton’s physical condition: The tendency to cry could ruin her makeup, making her appear dishevelled in front of other world leaders, and her likely inability to admit she is wrong could lead to stalemates with other countries who refuse to comply with bizarre demands.
Brad’s advice to voters is to forget the pneumonia at this point. He says that the nation should be far more concerned about the possibility of electing a president suffering from the crippling condition of being a female.
