“Critics are all abuzz about Atlanta,” according to my editor, but I’m not sure I believe the hype. I mean, don’t get me wrong: There are definitely interesting aspects, but as a whole, I can’t see any good reason for the acclaim (the same goes for Louie, Hamilton and Radiohead post-OK Computer). But I guess if the powers-that-be decide that it needs a review, I’ll do it for the exposure and/or experience.

“Atlanta is the capital of the most populous city in the U.S. state of Georgia, with an estimated 2015 population of 463,878,” according to Wikipedia. While that statistic might look impressive, it’s not saying that much considering that we’re talking about Georgia. It’s a southern state, which means most of it is probably deserted farmland. I’m from California, a real state, with a real population, so I’m just guessing. As a result, Atlanta’s desire to brag about its population comes off as pathetic as best, and egotistical at worst.

“Atlanta was first established in 1837 at the intersection of two railroad lines, and the city rose from the ashes of the American Civil War to become a national center of commerce;” that’s a direct quote from Wikipedia, and expect to see a lot more of those if the Slant editorial board decides that enough bored college students have donated precious “clicks” to this article to justify turning it into a regular column. Once again, Atlanta shows its pathetic (I’m not paid enough to find a more interesting synonym) longing to be considered a “great” city like San Francisco or Los Angeles. Really, Atlanta, you were founded in 1837? CONGRATULATIONS! You’re officially part of the “Old Cities Club;” get in line behind Boston and every city in Europe!

Also, you’re proud that you came out of the South after being burnt down in the Civil War? Do you really want to highlight the fact that you’re part of a former slave state? Are you so desperate for attention that you’ll even take pride in previously classifying African Americans as property? I didn’t think you could sink any lower, Atlanta, but I guess that was wishful thinking on my end – a city that promotes itself as “progressive” (Source: Wikipedia – are you surprised?) claiming proudly that it was on the losing side of a war meant to end racism. What a bunch of goddamn hypocrites.

“Atlanta is an ‘alpha-‘ or ‘world city,’ exerting a significant impact upon commerce, finance, research, technology, education, media art, and entertainment.” Now you’ve done it. Now you’ve fucking done it. You, Atlanta, want to claim the crown of “world city?” You think you’ve earned that right? I honestly shouldn’t be surprised, considering how much you bragged about being established in the 1800s out of slavery and having a population of less than half a million people. I thought you had a little self-awareness, some shred of dignity left, but here we are.

YOU’RE NOT AN “ALPHA” CITY! YOU’RE NOT A “WORLD” CITY! YOU’RE NOT A “WORLD” ANYTHING! IF YOU ARE SO FUCKING NEEDY FOR ANOTHER WORTHLESS “WORLD” RANKING TO GO ON YOUR PITIFUL WIKIPEDIA PAGE, HERE: YOU’RE A “WORLD” CLASS PILE OF ROTTING DOG SHIT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? DOES THAT SATISFY YOUR EGO? I’D HOPE YOU’D GET BURNED TO THE GROUND AGAIN, BUT I’M SURE YOU’D TAKE THAT OPPORTUNITY TO BRAG ABOUT YOUR RACIST HISTORY TOO. IN CONCLUSION, GO FUCK YOURSELF ATLANTA.

Christ, I need to take a breather. I think I’m going to watch that new show on FX with the rapper guy from Community; it’s been sitting on my DVR for a couple weeks now, and it looked pretty good in the ads. Post in the comments what you thought of the pilot. Hopefully I’ll review it next week!