It’s officially spring here in Nashville and high pollen levels aren’t the only thing putting tears in the eyes of the student body. Yes, it’s board application time, when unqualified applicants in their dads’ blazers answer ridiculous questions from equally unqualified board members, all to vie for presidency of the Vanderbilt Oral-B Toothbrush Club. After what’s sure to have been (given that you’re reading The Slant) a largely unsuccessful search for a new bullet point on your Microsoft Word-Art resume, you may be at your wit’s end trying to figure out why your own friends don’t think you’re fit to be treasurer of a club with three members and a yearly budget of $2.89. Never fear—your incredibly cool and successful and hot (especially hot) friends at The Slant are here to help with our comprehensive guide to a winning board application.
- Legally Change Your Name
The first impression is the most important part of any job search process. What’s going to make you stand out more than a great name? We suggest your chosen name contain at least one special character, one number, one capital/lowercase letter and the bitcoin exchange rate for extra security.
- Stand Out in Your Interview
Once you’ve gotten past the first stage of the application process, you really need to make yourself seem special. After all, the Social Chair of the Society for Outdoor Janitors can’t be any random schmuck off the street, right? Is your entire club essentially just carbon-copies of a dude giving a TED Talk about leadership in 2015? Of course it is! But nobody needs to know that—we have to give board members the illusion of choice. That being said, try giving your interview in Pig Latin. It’ll show the board you’re cultured and can think on your feet! If you need a refresher, literary masterpiece Judy Moody and Friends: Jessica Finch in Pig Trouble is available at the campus bookstore for $4.99.
- Throw a Bath and Body Works Mahogany Teakwood Candle Strapped to an Aging Turtle out a Window on the 11th Story of Carmichael Tower #2
We think this one’s pretty self-explanatory.
- Networking is Key
If you’re applying for a board position, chances are you already have some kind of relationship with the people reviewing your application. Exploit those connections to really get your foot in the door. Stalk the president’s Facebook and message their mom! Better yet, have your mom message their mom! I’m sure your moms can set up a nice interview for you. And this way if you get rejected it’s not your fault; Barbara’s just a bitch.
- Take it to the Press
Didn’t get the position you wanted? Don’t worry about it, we’re sure it wasn’t your fault. In fact, don’t even bother asking the board what you did wrong. There’s nothing constructive they could tell you anyway considering they’re clearly just haters. Show your disapproval of their decision publicly: the more external news sources you involve, the better. Forget The Hustler, take it straight to the New York Post! What better way to address this grave injustice than to make sure a 50-year-old man in Tampa with a neckbeard can involve himself in the affairs of college students? If you need help with this step, we have several seasoned media veterans on campus to mentor you. If all else fails, be sure to appeal the decision to the Supreme Court; we’re pretty sure rejecting you is unconstitutional.
If you follow these five easy steps, we guarantee you full success in your board applications this spring (or the spring of 2023, when you’re finally released from federal prison for crimes against turtlemanity). Now go forth, Vanderbilt’s student leaders, and do, as you always have, absolutely nothing.