Feminism. Sure, it has its merits. Women can now do things like vote and earn up to $0.81 to a man’s dollar. But, honestly, the gender inequality gap starts to look more like a canyon when my gym teacher tells me I can do “girl” push ups. However, if you’re anything like me, you want to reap ALL the potential benefits of being a girl, not just the ones that are deeply ingrained into our current patriarchal systems. You want the free food, free drinks and free validation to feed your self-worth. Here at The Slant, we care deeply about making sure every woman becomes the #girlboss she was meant to be. So, here is our comprehensive guide to being objectified in a way that benefits you.
Dress to Impress
Sure, we all know how to cater to the male gaze. The little tank tops and skinny jeans are a reliable combo, but it’s basic. It’s something they’ve all seen before. If you want to stand out, you have to do something different. Take that tried and true combo and upgrade it a little by wearing a full morphsuit underneath your clothes. You’ll still have the chance to show off your own personal style, but you’ll keep that air of mystery that keeps him wanting more. Who is she? She is NOT like other girls. He’ll talk to you all night, trying to unravel the mystery. He’ll want to peel off that extra stretchy spandex, and see what’s underneath. And in order to do so, he will be feeding you so many compliments that maybe you won’t drunk swipe right on the man holding a fish who superliked you on Tinder tonight.
The importance of the five basic senses can’t be understated. These are necessary to utilize, but honestly, perfecting the ultimate blend can be difficult. And if you were a C-section baby like me, you’re always looking for the easy way out. Use the gifts of Mother Nature herself: pheromones. Those intoxicating little chemical babies are dying to secrete their way out of you, and you’re gonna speed up the process. Pheromones are secreted through bodily functions, and it doesn’t really matter which one. Just most importantly, much like the boys on the dance floor, make sure that you are inexplicably wet to the touch. Vigorously exercise, piss yourself or maybe have one of your really hot friends spit on you. We never said it had to be your pheromones.
“You should smile more!” Ah. What a refreshing breath of fresh air when a man tells me this. I can tell he really cares about the state of my mental well-being, and truly wants me to be happy. But, under the mask, it can be hard for such a kind gentleman to know if I am smiling at him or not. So, print a mask with that pretty smile on it. In the dim lighting of the places where you have the best chance of exploiting these guys, he won’t even be able to tell the difference. If you really want to be a professional, target a man you know has the proper resources, and print a mask with HIS smile on it. A man like that will always love himself more than anyone else, and seeing his own smile will charm him so much that you’ll have enough drinks to forget about the questionable jersey-over-hoodie combo he has on.
We hope that you take these tips to heart, and always remember: it’s not what you can do for misogyny, but what misogyny can do for you.