By Turd Ferguson
On Monday afternoon, the Dean of the Commons released a memo concerning a new facet of the “virtual roommate” program. In addition to VUcept and regular virtual roommate meetings, Vanderbilt freshmen will now have access to a new Zoom feature – a button on the taskbar that allows them to walk in on their virtual roommate at the worst possible time.
“I thought it was a great idea,” said a spokesperson from the Dean of the Commons’ Office. “I just think that the freshmen are already missing out on so much, you know? I don’t think I could live with myself if I knew that hundreds of students weren’t going to be able to see each other’s dicks.”
However, this new feature won’t be constantly available; the option to walk in on your roommate only appears when Zoom’s software is confident that the other freshman user is jacking off. According to Zoom, the feature uses “proprietary artificial intelligence” to check users’ internet traffic and search history, and in doing so can pinpoint when a user is masturbating with 98 percent accuracy.
“Yeah, it was super easy and convenient,” said freshman Joseph McGrath. “I turned on the notifications so that I would know exactly when my virtual roommate was jacking off. Then, all I had to do was open my laptop and barge into his Zoom room. He was super surprised and embarrassed, but what else can you expect? I finally feel like a real college freshman now!”
If the program continues to be successful at the freshman level, the university may consider giving all undergraduates access to the Zoom feature.
“We’re really proud of the impact this is having among the first-year students,” said a representative from the Chancellor’s office. “This is something that’s really unifying the freshman class – and if that’s something we can foster among the whole undergraduate community, we will do our best. No matter your race, religion or nationality, everybody loves walking in on your roommate rubbing one out!”
As of now, the Zoom feature is only supported for roommates of the same gender, but an insider tells the Slant that if support is expanded, the McGill residents are going to have a fucking field day.