• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • News
  • Features
  • Life
  • Opinion
  • Rickroll
  • Slant TV
  • Staff
  • About Us
  • Be a Contributor

The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Social Distancing Win: Freshmen Can Now Virtually Walk in on Roommate Jacking Off

October 14, 2020 by Slant Staff

By Turd Ferguson

On Monday afternoon, the Dean of the Commons released a memo concerning a new facet of the “virtual roommate” program. In addition to VUcept and regular virtual roommate meetings, Vanderbilt freshmen will now have access to a new Zoom feature – a button on the taskbar that allows them to walk in on their virtual roommate at the worst possible time.

“I thought it was a great idea,” said a spokesperson from the Dean of the Commons’ Office. “I just think that the freshmen are already missing out on so much, you know? I don’t think I could live with myself if I knew that hundreds of students weren’t going to be able to see each other’s dicks.”

However, this new feature won’t be constantly available; the option to walk in on your roommate only appears when Zoom’s software is confident that the other freshman user is jacking off. According to Zoom, the feature uses “proprietary artificial intelligence” to check users’ internet traffic and search history, and in doing so can pinpoint when a user is masturbating with 98 percent accuracy.

“Yeah, it was super easy and convenient,” said freshman Joseph McGrath. “I turned on the notifications so that I would know exactly when my virtual roommate was jacking off. Then, all I had to do was open my laptop and barge into his Zoom room. He was super surprised and embarrassed, but what else can you expect? I finally feel like a real college freshman now!”

If the program continues to be successful at the freshman level, the university may consider giving all undergraduates access to the Zoom feature.

“We’re really proud of the impact this is having among the first-year students,” said a representative from the Chancellor’s office. “This is something that’s really unifying the freshman class – and if that’s something we can foster among the whole undergraduate community, we will do our best. No matter your race, religion or nationality, everybody loves walking in on your roommate rubbing one out!”

As of now, the Zoom feature is only supported for roommates of the same gender, but an insider tells the Slant that if support is expanded, the McGill residents are going to have a fucking field day.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • I Thought Only My Cat Would Forget About Me While I Was Away at College, but It Turns Out My Parents Did Too
  • Sad but Hot is the New Hot: How to Look Perfectly Beautiful While Deteriorating Emotionally
  • The Anti-Social Socialite’s Guide to Forming Friendships with Coworkers
  • Diermeier Dormitories to Replace Branscomb Quad in Fall 2022
  • Separating the Art from the Artist: Why It’s Ok to Keep Hooking Up with That Guy Who Is an Asshole to You

vanderbiltslant

A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

By Sam Sliman
EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

By Sam Sliman
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Archives

  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • July 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
October 2020
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
« Sep   Nov »

Follow Us

Facebook Twitter YouTube

Footer

  • Archive
  • Privacy
  • Be a Contributor
  • About Us
  • Contact Us

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2022 · Magazine Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in