Welcome back Commies! Are you enjoying the smell of sweat in the air? Did you begrudgingly answer some titanic of an icebreaker? If you’re a freshman, have you lost your virginity to a Republican khaki-wearing short king you just met in the communal kitchen but think you’re in love with? Your answers should all be yes because it’s back-to-school season y’all!
As I’m sure you, the spankin’-ly responsible and amazing Commodore that you are, have committed the #ReturnToCampus policies to memory, you are probably aware that in mid October, you will still be your professor’s little bitch instead of getting drunk with the homies for Fall Break. Yes, that coveted 4 day weekend is decidedly cancelled. It’s 2020, what did you expect? The ghost of Cornelius Vanderbilt wants you to believe it’s because his voluptuous apparition heart yearns for the safety and wellbeing of his campus’s students but after some extensive undercover work, the truth can now finally be revealed.
It’s because Vanderbilt hates you. Yes, you, specifically. What can I say? Something about your Cheeto-dust fingers and lack of plans on a Friday night has piqued the interest of the phantom daddy himself. No, you don’t have imposter syndrome. Yes, you aren’t supposed to be here. But there’s nothing anyone can do now but punish the entire school. So next time you’re feeling good about yourself, just remember, you are the reason Fall Break is cancelled and Covid-19 is just a convenient coincidence. Stay humble.