By Alycia Shipley
It’s a Friday night, and your friends want to go to a real party. Apparently to them, a BYX party is not a real party. Tired of only being offered La Croixs and Capri Suns, they tell you that there’s a party at Delt. You belligerently agree to go because the Toga Party seems the closest to preaching the lord’s word. However, you are more than ready to tell them, “I told you so,” when the party goes to h*ck. As much as you do not want to go to the frat party, the night can still be saved. Only if you save someone from the life of eternal damnation.
The party is starting in a few hours and you have to get ready because your mom never let you be late to service. On your left hand is your purity ring that your dad gave you when you were 15; on your right wrist is the WWJD bracelet that you got at the Young Life Retreat. You put on your super cute boho chic dress from Altr’d State that you wore to youth group on Wednesday. The pregame is going to be held in your room, so that you can make sure nothing will get out of hand. Once your friends congregate in your room, you should give the ceremonial pregame prayer. Hand in hand, you all say, “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen.” Now you and your friends can indulge in the blood of Christ.
The party starts at 10:30, which is of course when you will arrive. If not early, it’s rude to be late. You and your 12 Phi Lamb sisters in Christ walk into Delt. You quickly find the “punch”, and you then spike it with holy water. You know that this is the only way that you could reach the most people at once. As you now drink the holy beverage, out of the corner of your eye, you see Christ in the flesh. In the moment, you forget these men do not follow the scripture of the Lord. Long hair guys are truly not out of the ordinary here. You begin to approach him. You see that not only does he have long unkempt hair, he is wearing birkenstocks (the only footwear sponsored by Jesus).
As he approaches, you remember 1 Corinthians 6:19: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?” The flesh of Jesus offers you God’s lettuce. At first, you say no. Saying no is the only thing you have ever known. But this time you say yes, following in the footsteps of The Lord when he was placed high on the cross. Taking a hit or two of the joint, you and the Body of Christ become crossed together. He begins to part your legs like the Red Sea. Before anything can happen, you remind him that you can never have sex before marriage. But at this point, you think to truly honor the Lord and Savior you must have him in you both spiritually and physically. Then, you both remember the loophole.
In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit, you will rise on the third day from your hangover. Amen.