Written by the anonymous but omnipresent Mold Girl
On Monday, the Hustler released a shocking article uncovering cases of mold found in McTyeire and Blakemore that led to health issues for two students. (Don’t worry, though, two people is no big deal – everyone else has just been unknowingly infecting their lungs with thousands of potent mold spores since August. But statistically, that’s like 98% of people who didn’t directly reference having a health issue. 98% is a very high number! I’d be thrilled to get a 98% on my Econ exam!)
Students told the Slant that the Office of Housing had a “CLOSED FOREVER, SORRY” sign on its door every time they tried to complain or switch rooms. But after news of the article spread, Housing finally broke its silence on the issue.
“We are deeply sorry and disturbed that students have been experiencing this problem,” a representative from the Office of Housing said. “Personally, I had no idea this whole mold outbreak was happening. I cut my phone cord with a pair of scissors and unplugged my computer back in 2009 because the high volume of complaints, files for lawsuit and hate mail was crashing the system. Our real office is actually a bunker miles underneath Branscomb. The only way to reach me is through an email encrypted by the CIA, and only Zeppos knows the address. He emailed me yesterday and said, ‘Mary, you should probably leave town. It’s over. Leave town, Mary, they’re coming for us! GO NOW, MARY! RUN!’
“So yeah, I just had no idea at all. But that is really a shame that this happened – mold is gross! Once, this leftover Thai food I had in my fridge went moldy and it smelled so bad! I hated it! That must be rough for those kids, but if they really were unhappy with our housing options, they could have EASILY applied for off-campus housing! It’s not like this year is the first year we’re permitting widespread off-campusing housing or anything.”
When the Slant asked the representative how the Office of Housing planned on compensating students for their hospital bills, moldy clothes and overall pain and suffering, the rep said, “We’ve got some happy meal toys back from 2012 – they’re Wreck-it Ralph themed – so tell those kids they can come on over and pick one out, no charge. Whichever one they want.”
The rep continued, “We’ve also got an expired Taco Bell coupon, a couple of Billabong jackets no one claimed from the Branscomb laundry, and some loose blue raspberry Fun Dip powder lying around if anyone wants those. Again, all of us over here at the Office of Housing hope this issue gets resolved soon. We’re not sure who will resolve it or when, but we really do hope it gets resolved.”