For years the FDA has advised caution towards trick-or-treaters due to the possibility of razor blades hidden in unwrapped candy; however, this year they shockingly released the stipulation that one in every five pieces of halloween candy will indeed be a loaded gun.
Upon releasing this announcement, parents across the nation were chilled to their milky bones over the possibility that their precious lil Timmy’s and Suzie’s might mistake a 2-ounce snickers bar with a 3-and-a-half-pound .44 Magnum pistol and accidentally decorate the wall with remnants of their prefrontal cortex.
In response to the study’s findings, the NRA has preemptively credited the estimated thousands of toddler deaths to this nation’s staggering lack of pre-adolescent firearm training. Thus, the NRA is releasing a new line of halloween handguns to promote healthy adolescent gun ownership such as the aptly named “Glock-o-lantern” and what seems to be just an AR-15 glued to a Blu-Ray copy of Hotel Transylvania 2.
Not surprisingly, the FDA report has reopened a wound in the nation’s fragile sociopolitical landscape. On one hand, advocates for public safety fear the dangers of active firearms amid milk duds. However, the opposing lobbyists argue that “thoughts of shiny metal gun-guns make boys’ pee-pees feel really strong and handsome, and sexy too!” And thus sits indecisive the strained heart of a severed nation.
But frankly, regardless of politics, parenting, or principle, one thing is certain this halloween: a Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway couples costume will look metal as fuck. Happy Holidays!