Wiping the sweat off his brow, area student and self-described “hella woke ally” Jared King called it a day of fighting the patriarchy after liking the photo albums of his Facebook friends who attended the nationwide Women’s March. “You know, I couldn’t make the march, but knowing that I can lend even the tiniest amount of support to women really makes me feel like part of the cause,” said King, wiping a towel against his face. “Look out, men! The allies are here and we’re gonna kick you in the balls until you cry like a little bitch! We’re taking down misogyny one testicle at a time!”
While King’s been known to casually support feminism in the past, friends and classmates have noticed a greater political consciousness since the election of Donald Trump. “He used to ironically post #freethenipple on our sorority chick groupme chat, but now he really seems passionate about feminism,” said fellow frat member Chad Johnson. “I heard him quote Lena Dunham last week while ranting about how bras are a dated social construct; he really seems to pretend to know what he’s talking about.”
“Yeah, it’s just really nice getting in touch with my feminine side,” said King, “Ever since I started watching Girls with my pants on, I’ve really gotten to understand that I need to be sensitive towards women; it’s like these sexists on the internet really need to just grow a pair and accept women as they are.
“It’s just so…disappointing hearing about how men judge women, you know? Like I used to only look at women’s Facebook albums whenever they had big tits, but now I appreciate them as people, as whole bodies,” continued King, wiping a tear from his face. “It’s like, girl, don’t be so hard on yourself, your body is a wonderland, your life matters, my life matters, all lives matter.”
After skimming a Buzzfeed article explaining feminist theory through doge GIFs and reacting with a “haha” emoticon to an Amy Schumer quote on his newsfeed, King went back to his regular pastime of browsing Total Frat Move while listening to Fountains of Wayne’s “Stacy’s Mom.”