So You Want to Have Sex with Eeyore? You Aren’t Alone.

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We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in your bed reminiscing on childhood memories, when all of a sudden you are reminded of “Winnie the Pooh”. But instead of having happy memories of these cuddly animals, you are struck with a slightly disturbing thought: I kind of want to have sex with Eeyore.

Take a deep breath. It’s okay. In fact, you are not alone.

Let’s think about this. What is it about Eeyore that lights that fire in certain individuals? For starters, he is immensely more emotionally available than any man, especially on this campus. He won’t woo you to bed with talks of his fantasy football team or serenade you with his awful guitar playing. Eeyore is one to sit next to you while you weep and show true understanding. His sad depressed nature is both comforting and slightly arousing. It’s rare to find someone who truly gets you.

Also, we all know you have mommy issues. It’s okay to crave a man (or donkey) who you can nurture and take care of. You are drawn in by his needs and mental issues and trust me, I get it. I’m all for a man with some problems.

Don’t think I have forgotten the most alluring factor about this donkey: his age. Tell me right now you aren’t attracted to DILFs…you can’t. Eeyore is a silver fox if I’ve ever seen one. And that low, gravely, monotone voice, I completely understand.

Of course, there are downsides. “But he’s a cartoon character!” they cry. Okay, and so is Jessica Rabbit, and nobody bats an eye when she’s #1 on all the “Hottest Cartoon Characters” lists. Eeyore is not just a cartoon. He is a symbol of the true human soul. If it’s okay to thirst over anime characters, why can’t we do the same to our melancholy friend from the Hundred Acre Wood? Loving Eeyore isn’t about physical attraction to animated characters or donkeys; it’s about connecting with a soul that understands yours, even if that soul happens to be sewn into a plush body.

So, if you’ve ever felt a rumbling in your lower region when looking at Eeyore, know that you’re valid. You’re brave. You aren’t alone. You are allowed to want to fuck that donkey. And why shouldn’t you? Eeyore deserves love, and so do you. Let’s give him the happy ending he’s always doubted he’d get.

P.S. Let’s not forget about that detachable tail…