Commodore Defense Demonstrates Best Ways to Sleep During a Sports Game and More

By Maret Rudin-Aulenbach

The Vanderbilt Commodores finished their season 6-6 with a thrilling loss to Tennessee on December 0, 2024. The Slant had the opportunity to interview players and coach Clark Lea on what worked, what went wrong and our plans for next season. Find the transcript below:

Anonymous Cornerback: Hi, I’m [name removed for safety reasons], nice to meet you.

Maret: Nice to meet you as well. Congrats on the win over Alabama; I look back with nostalgia every Saturday. After watching the recent games, many fans are wondering: what is the best way to sleep during a sports game?

Anonymous Cornerback: That’s a great question Maret. We have over a dozen options in our playbook, it’s really dependent on how the offense is lined up.

Maret: Let’s say you’re matched to a flat curl. 

Anonymous Cornerback: Against slant routes, I like to immediately lie down with my head between my arms to block out the crowd noise. By staying at the edge of the field, I’m less likely to have another player interrupt my nap.

Maret: Is that one of Clark Lea’s new defensive schemes?

Anonymous Cornerback: It is, we call that position “Side Sleeping Fetal.” I’m partial to bringing a supportive neck pillow.

Maret: Is there a different “Side Sleeping” play call?

Anonymous Cornerback: When the opponent has third and long, our safeties like to employ “Side Sleeping Provocative,” where the safety lays down on their side and extends their leg upwards while exerting pressure on the groin area. This is the safety’s mating call and highly distracting to receivers going deep.

Maret: Do you have any recommendations for fans?

Anonymous Cornerback: Fans should be on the lookout for the “Curry Sleeper” strategy in our Bowl game. If you’ve seen Steph Curry take a nap on his hands after sinking a 3, it’s similar to that. We’ll be employing this tactic while the ball is in transit to create sympathetic sleepiness among the receivers.

Maret: Looking forward to it. Thank you very much for your time. 

Maret: I now have Clark Lea with me. Coach Lea, the team can’t get any worse. I played high school basketball. Put me in coach, I can play wide receiver.

Lea: No.

Maret: I understand, maybe next year. 

Maret: Many fans are wondering, why did our very-anonymous-for-legal-reasons QB file a restraining order against the NCAA?

Lea: If the NCAA can’t approach him, they can’t stop him from playing.

Maret: Did his Vanderbilt-appointed lawyers approve that strategy?

Lea: No.

Maret: I have another question here for you. In the South Carolina game, the O line fell to their knees every play. Was that intentional?

Lea: It was intentional. The O line fell to their knees to pray for their lives. If you were out there, you would understand. We were scared we might not survive.

Maret: You say we. Were you also scared?

Lea: Watch the match again, those South Carolina players were massive. I saw what they did to my O line, I wasn’t taking any chances.

Maret: I understand. On a related note, students are very excited about Vanderbilt’s Bowl game. How can students best support our team?

Lea: The best way to support our team is by donating your tuition. Whatever measly accomplishments you make with your degree, it is nothing compared to Pavia’s success. If you truly support the Commodores, drop out and donate your tuition to Pavia’s NIL payments.

This interview ended because I am no longer a student and am in vast debt.