Marketing for Life-Saving Alzheimer’s Cure Hindered After Federal Government Trademarks Slogan “Never Forget”

By Sam Belcher

Much like Christmas, gender reveal parties and the state of Florida, 9/11 is the latest victim of rampant consumerism. As such, the federal government has embarked on an ambitious plan to roll out a new line of T-shirts, assault rifles and collectors coins in order to commemorate the attack’s 23rd anniversary. “Never Forget” and “We’re Always Watching (Really), So Don’t Fucking Forget” have been exclusively trademarked and will be emblazoned on the merch, per a report from Breitbart.

Unfortunately, this comes just prior to the cure for the debilitating Alzheimer’s disease hitting the market under the catchy slogan “Never Forget”. The cure was recently discovered in large part by Anthony Fauci while in hiding from Fox News and its lackeys after stepping down from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID). Speaking to us from a remote research facility in San Francisco, the only place where far-right conspiracy theorists dare not go, Fauci attests that the “inability to easily distribute the Alzheimer’s cure has been the second biggest regret of [his] career, following injecting former president Donald Trump with bleach to ‘treat’ COVID-19.”

Advertisers for the Alzheimer’s cure have since had to find alternative options. Some potential slogans include “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Wait — You’re My Daughter!” and “I Have So Many Back Taxes I Just Remembered I Have to Pay”. However, these alternatives are yet to capture the sleek simplicity of “Never Forget”, leading Fauci to sue the federal government. The federal government, famous for its unwavering support for healthcare, has refused to give in.

We reached out to the White House to better understand their decision to put at risk the distribution of this miracle cure, but they failed to comment. Instead, they sent us a sample of their merch, and it is indeed breathtaking. Maybe healthcare isn’t so important after all, and we’d all be a little happier if we bought an extra AR-15 or two (even if we forget where we put them). Besides, this money will go toward noble causes supported by trusted non-profit organizations, such as Lockheed Martin’s sponsorship of the United States Institute of Peace.