Well That Stings! Jesus Is Back, and He Goes by Ray!
By Ruhi Patel
From Star Wars to Mamma Mia to my childhood in North Texas, the trope of the mysteriously unknown father has always been a hoot. But now, it has expanded to marine life: Charlotte, a stingray in North Carolina, is pregnant, and we don’t know how. Like, don’t get me wrong, I know HOW babies are made (finally figured it out), but this one is weird because she’s in a tank with no male rays.
In my professional opinion as a priest quickly rising up the ranks of corporate Catholicism, it seems the divine ray of God ventured into aquatic life and impregnated poor Charlotte. She is expected to give birth to three to four pups, but these are no regular rays — they will be endowed with powers of carpentry, optometry and podiatry. However, this raises the obvious question of what the implications are for the ecosystem: will all the water in Charlotte’s tank spontaneously turn into wine? If so, I fear what these gilled animals will do when walking on water while intoxicated — there may be some DUIs incoming.
In an interview with Marie N. of the aquarium, our investigative reporters learned that stingrays are very righteous creatures, reinforcing my belief that they could be plotting a second coming. The few male sharks that are also in the tank have grown too complacent in their sinful, predatory lives and may be crusaded against by the soon-to-be-born rays. I’m still reeling from the fact that there won’t be any shark-ray hybrids anytime soon due to this imminent war. I wanted to get a second opinion, but Australian zoologist Steve Irwin remains deathly silent on the matter.
Charlotte has revealed that her only qualm with this whole situation is the slight possibility that one of her godly children will end up canoodling with another stingray named Charlotte Magdalene. But the odds of that happening are pretty slim, in my opinion. Some blasphemers believe that this immaculate conception is, in fact, not so immaculate after all. There is a theory that the true father is hiding among the female stingrays as a means to avoid paying child support. Friction between the two schools of fish thought may lead to long-term conflict, but Charlotte remains unfazed.
Despite the looming sociopolitical consequences, the aquarium has gained a lot of publicity thanks to Charlotte. As of right now, there is an exposé entitled The Stible, which is expected to be published about a hundred years in the future. It would be a damn shame if it was used as a weapon to justify stingray supremacy. Well, it’s a good thing those animals can’t read!
