Thought: Is Hookup Culture Making Me a Frigid, Heartless Individual, or Is It Just Really Cold Outside?

By Kyle Bettencourt, Vice President of Kappa Epsilon Gamma (KEG)

I’m gearing up for my third winter in Tennessee and, to be honest, it hasn’t gotten any easier since freshman year. I’m from Orange County, California; I just don’t really do cold like that. “Oh, the weather outside is frightful…” yeah, it’s pretty fucking frightful. If I were any more of a pussy, I’d probably get seasonal depression or some shit like that. I’m not though, I’m not a pussy, and I’d really like it if you guys stopped bringing up that time I backed out of our frat’s Beer Mile. 

If there’s one consolation for the chill of winter, it’s that I’ve always had someone to warm the bed. Women just kind of flock to me — what can I say? It’s not my fault I have endless rizz and naturally good looks. The ladies absolutely swoon over my rock solid abs, Cali-cool hair, and razor-sharp jawline. I’m so hot, even freezing temperatures don’t stop the girls basically melting when I wink at them.

Recently I’ve been fucking Kayla, this smoking hot freshman, but I actually just had to end things because she was showing a ton of red flags. Like, I took her on one date to Chateau West and told her she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever been with so she‘d go down on me afterwards, then suddenly she was asking me to stop pretending like I didn’t know who she was when we saw each other in Rand. Nope! I know a needy broad when I see one!

Now, for the first time since I lost my virginity, I’m actually not sleeping with anyone. It’s been eight days since I’ve had sex — eight days too long! Normally I’d already be onto the next one, but a little twinge in my chest stopped me from messaging my latest Tinder match, “wyd”. The twinge came after seeing Kayla making out with her new boyfriend, one of the Vandy Boys, at Old Glory last Friday night. My stomach roiled at the juxtaposition of the blissful nostalgia that the sight of her inspired, and the disgust at seeing her with one of the most clouted guys on campus. The time Kayla and I had together was like ascending to heaven in a chariot while being serenaded by Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea”. Now you’re telling me one of the Vandy Boys is ascending instead of me? What a bone-chilling thought. 

So yeah, maybe there’s a part of me that regrets letting that one get away. I’ve been doing some intense self-reflection the past eight days and it’s come to my attention that maybe I shouldn’t have ended things the way I did. I truly didn’t think she’d be pissed when I told her I didn’t want a relationship after three months of promising our hookups were more than just sex to me. My bad! Not to mention, I really needed my Cubs hoodie back. Sharing the hoodie in the dead of winter is boyfriend behavior – couldn’t be me. 

In all honesty, I didn’t think any of those girls would really be that upset when I ended things. After all, it’s just sex. Shouldn’t they know not to get too attached to me? I’m like a wild horse, a free spirit that cannot be tamed. When someone tries to pin me down, I gallop away like a graceful stallion. I have recently been informed there’s a term for that, “ghosting,” but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same thing.

Nevertheless, I can’t help thinking about the last thing Kayla said to me after I had given up advocating for our continued friendship: “You’re a heartless prick who never learned the basic human skill of empathy.” 

I know she’s probably just a crazy bitch like all my ex-hookups, but part of me wonders if she had a point. I have been feeling a little empty inside lately. I didn’t even feel sad when Auburn lost to Alabama in the last minute in this year’s Iron Bowl. Sleeping all alone in my Tolman single last night, I even started to shiver a little bit. Is that what loneliness feels like? An irrepressible sigh from deep inside me lost to the November air each time I see some bro warming up his girl’s hands while they wait in line for Suzie’s? Is this… the consequence of habitually dehumanizing women for three straight years?

Nah, it’s just really fucking cold outside and the heat in Tolman is broken.