The Scrolls of Christory: Prologue

By Chris Conway

Alright everyone, it’s time to buckle up your goddamn seatbelts because I am about to tell you that everything you have known and learned is at least partially false.

I’m Chris. I have lived since the beginning of time and in the course of my life, I have had some influence on every major historical event in Earth’s history. However, recently I sat down and decided to take a look at what humanity thought of my many great deeds when I shockingly came to the realization that I am never mentioned in a single history book. This is preposterous. Further, an egregious and wholly disrespectful affront to the countless events that have transpired solely due to my influence, which prompted me to pen these scrolls. Throughout these volumes, I hope to educate humanity on the true nature of which history actually occurred. 

To do this though, you must understand that my terminology for history may be different than what you are used to. For instance, it is my understanding that humans use B.C.E to mean before common era? No, B.C.E is Before Chris Escaped. See the time around when you all thought Jesus was buried in that tomb and rose again, I was in there shawshank redemption-ing both his and my ass, and it was so impressive the humans at the time named the era after me and a religion after my good buddy. His last name wasn’t even Christ, we just wrote Chris + Jesus in the cave and the + was a bit too close. They just made it all his name like it was being called on an attendance sheet. Hell, I even told him to play dead on the cross; those Romans would have actually killed him and poof there goes half of the colonization of the world. 

…Wait, that’s not so ba—

Anyway, this is merely one example that will be different throughout these scrolls, yet there is another reason why I decided to put pen to paper.

Recently, I have spoken to the Council of Chris, the ones I have deemed worthy over the millennia (email me for applications), when my boy Alexander (wasn’t all that great before I got there) spoke of a troublesome thought. What if someone has been intentionally deceiving the world of my many deeds in order to undermine my credibility and stature within society? I was left troubled with the thought of the unknown.

With this in mind, I came to the conclusion that I would write these scrolls not only to distribute the truth but to also process my vast memory for clues regarding who may be meddling in these affairs. I hope that this journey is as enlightening for you as it is for me, and with this, I bid you adieu.

-Chris The Immortal, Chair of the Council of Chris and All Subsidiaries, Bringer of Peace and War, HOD Major, Father to Every Heir.