Secrets Unveiled: Diermeier in Deep with Big Olive Oil

By: Brendan Wendlandt

Vanderbilt Chancellor Daniel Diermeier has been implicated in a potential conflict of interest with a Spanish oil company, Deoleo, presumably for his own financial benefit and/or pleasure. A formal complaint was written to Vanderbilt’s Office of Investigation Logistics (OIL), requesting a full investigation into Diermier’s gluttonous dealings. 

Diermeier is accused of not disclosing his involvement with Deoleo to the Vanderbilt student body and, upon further investigation, is a clear beneficiary of the growth of the Deoleo brand. It is alleged that Diermeier’s company, Daddy D’s Consulting LLC, has clients with Bertolli, Pompeia, and Olive Garden. When confronted by a student interviewer regarding his potential involvement with corporate Olive Garden, Diermeier said, “Who can say no to unlimited breadsticks?” Perhaps his facetious (and relatable) comment is indicative of his ties with the Olive Garden family. Additionally, Diermeier’s official Yelp account (username “Danny_Foodie”) gave Olive Garden an astonishing 4.5 star review, 32 percent higher than his reviews toward other casual eatery establishments. For reference, Diermeier gave Macaroni Grill a dismal 2.5 rating, stating that “I ordered my oil ‘extra virgin’; what I received was such low quality you’d think I ordered ‘extra loose’!” 

It was revealed by Paul Garden (founder and CEO of the Olive Garden family) that Diermeier sat in on a meeting of the Italian powerhouses (Bertolli, Olive Garden, Maggiano’s, etc.) on January 11th under the meeting alias “Fatty Factions” with the purpose of “facilitating al dente powers through the cultural influence of food styles from global sources.” While this vague description leaves the meeting’s inner workings up to speculation from hoi polloi, students interviewed that night did note Chancellor Diermeier walking with what appeared to be the indentation of a bottle of olive oil in his pants pocket and “a little extra pep in a step” across campus. Was he celebrating the recent liquidation of his oily assets? Or perhaps he had just finished ravaging a fresh bag of breadsticks doused in oil? How exactly Diermeier’s continued involvement in Big Oil will affect the greater student body is yet to be seen, but some suspect a new pasta station to soon open in Rand.