By Audrey Lingan
So, you decided to start running. Congratulations on going the extra mile to take care of your health! Whether you broke up with your partner, failed an exam, or your friend group blew up in flames, either way, we at The Slant admire whatever traumatic life event set you on this track. We commend you for turning a fight-or-flight response into a hobby. As you embark on your socially acceptable form of masochism, here’s our run-down of tips and tricks that will help you in the long run.
- Talk nonstop about running. Be real with yourself. You know you have the personality of white bread. Running is your Smuckers; be grateful for the added zest and jam out! Running is a lot like studying abroad: you incessantly talk about where you traveled and how it’s changed you. Start seeing the world as platforms to talk about running. For example, as you sit in class, comment that you’re tired because you ran that morning. While you walk around campus, point to a vague landmark and say you ran there last week. When your friend confides in you their parents’ marriage is going downhill because they lack emotional intimacy, mention you love running on hills. Yes, with running you have achieved the ultimate level of enlightenment, and it is your job to entertain the masses with your riveting tales of moving from point A to point B (or sometimes back to A again). Do call us when you get your TED Talk!
- Spend all your money on running. Let me guess, you got into running because your poor ass can’t afford Pilates classes or Orange Theory. Hot yoga—in this economy?! Can’t a person just break their physical body without breaking the bank? You’re fiscally responsible and to pace your spending, you chose an activity where the only requirements are you, yourself, and you (as a subject pronoun). Well, I’m sorry, my friend, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Like every good cult, there’s a monetary toll. It’ll start small. You’ll start buying electrolytes—why not? You’re always dehydrated. Then, you’ll start looking at the shoes, asking your friends what they think of Hokas. Before you know it, you’ve got a whole drawer of running shorts and dropped $150 on a marathon in April. Running runs up a massive bill, so shut up and pay your tithing. Who needs money with calves like that?
- Abandon schoolwork for running. Forget exercising your mind; exercise your physical body till you’re two steps away from visiting VUMC with a fractured leg. Why go the distance in academia when you can put physical distance between you and your academic stressors with running? Tired of your mind racing with facts and figures—how about having your legs do the racing in next month’s 5k? Struggling to jog your memory of last week’s lecture—get your ass out of that lecture hall and actually jog around Centennial. MWF 9:05 am: that’s not the start of your class—nay, nay, that’s the start of your run. Got a crap ton of work? Better cut it off at 8 pm, you got a long run next morning. Seeing that you already go through the school day with an elevated heart rate and sweaty pits, the full transition to running will be a breeze. Don’t worry, you’ll still face steep learning curves, but they’ll be hills that everyone can see on STRAVA.
- Build your social life around running. Your social life is a wad of clay that will be shaped by running. Running is a drill sergeant that will whip your sorry ass into shape. For example, I hate to relay this information, but you’ll go out less. You can’t stay up late (you’re a morning person now), and substances mess with the runs. The only high you’ll need is a runner’s high. Furthermore, the company you keep will single-handedly be determined by their ability to run. If your friends can’t keep up with you, leave them in the dust. If your partner finishes before you, it better be in a mile. Your friends will merely be workout playlists with legs.
We hope you take our advice in stride. We’re so proud of you for embarking on your running journey. Soon, you’ll be baptized by electrolyte water and underboob sweat, while a choir sings songs that are 120 bpm. You’re in this for the long haul, or at least until you get into pickleball. God bless your sole!
