Registration Mixup! New “D&A” Class Causes STEM Major Chaos!
By: Sue Donnem
With the add/drop period coming to an end, many students are excited about their new schedules this spring. Not all students are, though, as there has been a major mix-up in many STEM majors’ spring term schedules.
It all started when a lowly freshman, Sean P. Combs, thought it would be funny to hack into YES (which took about 2 minutes) and create a fake class called “Dick and Ass 3200.” Who would even think that’s funny? What childish humor. So that’s it, right? Some dumb freshman got a quick laugh and YES immediately shut it down. Wrong.
Advisors immediately started advising all their STEM majors to take a class that they THOUGHT was DNA 3200, when in reality it was D&A 3200. Countless pre-med sheep were sent to the slaughterhouse that was Dick and Ass 3200. The cruelest part is that the course didn’t even have a professor; they couldn’t even learn about Dick OR Ass! They walked in excited to learn about deoxyribonucleic acid, and were greeted with a stale, dark classroom. To make matters worse, the culprit freshman, Mr. Combs, had found out about the advisement fiasco and written “YOU’VE BEEN D&A’D” on the chalkboard. After the initial horror that we still use chalkboards in 2024 wore off, the STEM majors were again horrified by what had been written.
The Slant reached out to Chancellor Diermeier for a comment on the situation, but when we finally cornered him in an alleyway, he clawed our reporter and climbed up a fire escape stairwell. We then tried to contact the Dean of DNA, Dr. Oxyribo, who threw water in our face and ran off in a hurry. It seems that the administration is doing everything that they can to not acknowledge that D&A 3200 ever existed.
This strategy of deny, deny and deny some more may have backfired, however. There have been mass gatherings of absolute freaks who say that they WANT to take Dick and Ass 3200, as it was a legitimately offered class that they signed up for. These folks, I just don’t know about. They were not fooled into thinking that it was a class about DNA; they knew full well what they were getting into and it excited them. They have since grown outraged that their class was wrongfully taken away from them, and have unionized into a collective that they are calling “The Freaks.”
In response to this newfound coalition, Diermeier did release a statement saying that he will “wage war on the Freaks unlike anything this campus has ever seen. [He] will make Diddy’s trial look like a balloon fight.” It seems that no matter where they go, the Freaks of the world cannot find a sanctuary. The carrot on a stick that was D&A 3200 was so quickly ripped away from them, you almost feel bad for them. Almost.
