HHS NATIONAL GUIDE ON BIRTH CONTROL
By Audrey Lingan
January 6th, 2025 – In the wake of the United States national abortion ban, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) released a national guidance for women seeking family planning resources. While President Trump’s 2024 Presidential Campaign opposed a national abortion ban, with the Republican majority in the Senate, God-honoring senators were able to crack down on the detestable possibility of letting women control their bodies. As of today, it is now illegal in all fifty states to obtain an abortion. Under the guidance of the ever-wise RFK Jr., the HHS published the following alternative effective forms of birth control both men and women can seek out in 2025:
- “If you’re looking for male birth control, listen up! Men, post a fishing photo. Nothing terminates the prospect of pregnancy more than a man holding up a large-mouth bass. You may be surrounded by water, but you’ll never be drier. So, call up the boys and book that fishing trip. Trust me, you’ll still get that wet, slippery, fishy experience, but without the added stress of conception.”
- “Ever wanted your contraception to be a fashion statement? The answer: chastity belts. This showstopping piece communicates to the world, “Yeah, I’m a family planner, but also a fashion icon!” Move over, Jackie Kennedy. Best of all, they’re vintage! You can find your belt at the local history museum, right between the Iron Maiden and The Rack. If it’s gonna be the Dark Age of women’s health might as well model their fashions.”
- “We’ve cracked the code on how to avoid pregnancy—literally! Major in computer science. If all other forms of contraception bug you, majoring in computer science guarantees that there will always be space between you and the chance of pregnancy. Researchers say that enrolling in one compsci class is equivalent to plunging yourself into an ice bath while hearing your dog died. Your major will ensure the only snake you’re charming is Python.”
- “Ladies. Let’s be real. It’s time to stop taking shit from a man who is at best a Westchester 6! Being with a mid man is like wearing an old sweatshirt: sure, it’s comfy, it fits ok (?) and it saves you the time of going out into the real world and finding better options. Yet this logic inevitably fails us and next thing you know, you’re blasting Driver’s License halfway through a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Save the calories and the risk of pregnancy: cut out the mid-men.”
- “For men, you can avoid the chance of a pregnant partner with just one Amazon Prime order: navy bed sheets. While you see navy, the rest of the world sees red. This undercover birth control is a surefire way to make sure no one sees you as parenting material. One look at those navy sheets haphazardly sprawled over that twin XL is enough to put anyone’s ovulation cycle to sleep mode—and that’s a wrap on that!”
- “You know what nature’s most effective birth control is? Having a third wheel. Ladies, I want you to find that one friend who can dissolve any romantic tension like hydrochloric acid—that one friend who’s not a third wheel, they’re a third steamroller. This friend is now your intimacy insurance on the same tier of convenience as Chapstick and a spare tampon. No one can get you pregnant when Brenda over there is talking about her latest rash. To put it in Disney terms, if your womb is the genie’s lamp, your intimacy insurance is that badass lion’s head that prevents anyone from getting into your Cave of Wonders and riding that magic carpet.”
As the national abortion ban takes hold, the HHS ensures that these innovative methods will revolutionize women’s healthcare. The HHS reminds women before considering any of these methods to consult their closest conservative neighbor. The state of reproductive rights must be witnessing a Republican realignment because these policies could not be more right for our family-first American women.
