A Melting Economy: The North Pole Recession
By Alex Tomack
Due to the upcoming holiday season and toxic emissions from ExxonMobil rigs outside of Santa’s zoning permits, things are heating up at the North Pole for Saint Nick and the elves. Pollution-driven losses in ice and snow have caused the jolly old fellow’s plants responsible for producing electric trains, toy cars and unicycles to crash into the ocean. A snowman in a suit vest, monocle and smoking pipe told The Slant (in a British accent) that the financial wing broke off and started drifting out to sea before it flipped over and was submerged entirely. According to anonymous whistleblowers, the wing contained 300 elf accountants and the nutcracker mailroom. Santa and a posse of nutcrackers reported they would “roll all those dumb ass letters from kids into homegrown cigarettes”, which, according to the Big Boss himself, is “badass and doesn’t cause cancer because I don’t put all that weird shit in there.” Santa declined to comment on if he ever reads the letters, but heavily implied he simply guesses what the children want. The official statement from Saint Nicholas claims the wing was entirely empty and no one was hurt. Santa has so far denied the US access to investigate, claiming sovereign citizenship. Our reporters on scene want to note they witnessed a frantic snowman drifting out to sea, indicating at least one fatality, though we’re unsure of whether a magical snowman has a soul.
Production has consequently come to a standstill. The confused little elves are attempting to rebuild the complex and efficient machinery, though they can only produce Rube Goldberg machines because of how fun they are. Moreover, ramping costs for new constructions and unexpected Rube Goldberg machine demolition have cut into the company’s profits. Amidst the resulting worker strikes, the elves claim their work on the toys and replacement machinery is not appreciated. The primary demand by the elves, however—called radical by some—is to be paid for their work. Our economists have collected that while Old Saint Nick continues his lavish spending with a new velvet interior for his sleigh and a $400 million dollar property in West Palm Beach, Florida, wage rates for his factory workers have been declining. Santa has additionally been holding mandatory meetings during work hours about the dangers of unions, hiring labor consultants and threatening workers who show interest in union activity. Teamsters have set their sights on the holiday season supplier for his union-busting activities, rallying international support and causing #CancelChristmas to be #1 trending on X.
Father Christmas has sought a possible merger with Wonka Company Limited, though founder and CEO William Wonka has refused the North Pole after their own battles with Oompa Loompa unions. The Slant wished to get in contact with Mr. Wonka, but we were instructed that we needed a golden ticket.
Contrasting the plight in the North Pole, one shackled elf told The Slant that Krampus has seen yet another year of record breaking profits in the South Pole selling Lawn Darts and other banned toys. Amidst the turmoil of his greatest competitor, Krampus appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience, spewing inflammatory remarks towards his opponent’s business mismanagement, and further claiming his Yetis and Ice Trolls have never had it better—causing #KrampusGOAT to be #2 trending on X. Krampus declined to comment to us about his specific labor policies, instead imprisoning our Editor-in-Chief, Ruhi Patel, in a tiny snow globe which he proceeded to shake violently and place on a shelf amongst hundreds of other tiny snow globes.
