Savvy Investors Sell Dining Seats For Up to $15,000 Following Campus Dining Changes

By Jeneta Nwosu

The news that Rand Dining Center will open Saturdays this fall was welcome to sophomore Gage Price, president of the premier alternative investment club on campus.

“I was overjoyed, really,” Price said. “As a Branscomb resident and notorious party animal, Rand breakfast will be the best pick-me-up for those groggy Saturday mornings.”

But once Price realized that Rand was the only main campus location open at that time, a different, entrepreneurial joy overtook him. In the group chat for his club, named the Property Understanders (PU), he dropped what he’s calling his million dollar idea.

“I see myself as following in the path of other campus businesses providing an essential service for our students, à la Hydrodore and Tide Cleaners,” Price said. “We have a number of students who are willing to pay a premium for the opportunity to eat comfortably. I want to be the one to provide this opportunity. It’s simple: claim the seats and sell the spots.”

 Price immediately called upon the several computer science majors in PU to build a website for the concept, which will go by the name “Saturday Munch Club.” They plan to offer a variety of price points for all kinds of customers, which they say will boost profits.

“This is a classic price discrimination situation,” said club member and econ-H.O.D. major Michael Böhring. “We’re putting the booth seats at $15k for obvious reasons, some of the other downstairs seats at $2k and the second floor seats at an affordable $899 because the freshmen don’t discover they exist until well into second semester.”

Prospective customers were optimistic about the venture. Senior Florence-Grace Cash gushed about how great an improvement the Munch Club could make on her experience last year.

“Did my dad work his ass off for 30 years becoming the No. 1 day trader in the Atlanta metro area so I would have to get up before 2 p.m. to eat Kissam breakfast in a glorified 7/11?” she asked. “Obviously not. Now I can get up whenever I want because I got a seat with my name on it.”

Freshman and satisfied customer Ana Fluenza-Case has already spent the equivalent of a semester of tuition on the Munch Club beta. 

“All my friends are soooo jealous that I’ll get to eat lunch right in the middle of Rand when all the peasants are scrambling for seats,” Fluenza-Case bragged. “I don’t even mind that I have to eat lunch at 5:47.”

Still, the project has its critics. Junior John Joe Jenkins sees any success it might have as short-lived.

“Look, it’s not a stupid idea,” he conceded. “The whole premise relies on a reasonable assumption that campus dining will never boost wages enough to staff multiple locations all weekend, so they have a captive audience. But come on! Their customer base is perfectly happy blowing tons of money on DoorDash if it means not leaving the dorm.”

Price sought to tamp down any concerns by pointing to wildly successful firms with similar business models, such as Ticketmaster and those dudes who resell water bottles during natural disasters. He also revealed plans to target growth, like a scheme to station hired goons to defend spots at the front of the line at peak meal-times for elite clients or an expansion of the Munch Club to weekdays at approximately 12:10 p.m. 

Despite the doubters, Price believes the Saturday Munch Club is bound to succeed.

“At the end of the day, we’re offering a prime status symbol,” Price said. “Vandy students love status symbols. We can’t fail.”