How to Stab Your Child to Get Them Free Health Care

By Nick Gebo

Healthcare is expensive. We’ve all experienced that. Well actually probably not us — we’re Vanderbilt students — but by god I’m sure unaffordable treatment has been a real bummer for somebody out there. Thankfully, I have a readily available solution. I’m here to share a method that has been passed down for generations in what remains of my family, which, if done right, will let you get the care you deserve.

So here’s the spiel. In order to practice medicine, doctors have to agree to the Miranda rights … or something like that (at least some profession is following them). I forget the exact name, but it’s like this oath saying they are required to provide medical care to anyone who urgently needs it. Even if they have no clue who you are, or if you can pay for their services, they aren’t allowed to just let you die (well, unless it’s a 7-week-old fetus doing the killing). So, if you can meander into a hospital with an ailment so critical it must be treated right away, they’ll be forced to give you the care you need.  As long as you escape before they’re able to unmask your identity, you’ll be healed and they won’t be able to financially cripple you and the next three generations of your family.

Sounds simple enough, right? It usually is, but before you go off gallivanting around and plotting your free umbilicoplasty, let’s establish some ground rules to make sure you do this right.

First off, the hospital can never find out who you are.

Just forget who you are. Now if you’re reading this you probably don’t have a strong sense of self anyhow, but like really dissociate. I’m talking about Tyler Durden levels of dissonance. Bitcoin got this shit right. 

Second, you must make sure all injuries are critical.

Remember, they only need to get you out of immediate, life-threatening danger. Make sure their only viable solution is the one you want. Have a minor bone break? Time to Hulk Hogan it into a potentially fatal compound fracture. Think your child may have appendicitis? You better really stab that shit. This step isn’t for the faint of heart — sometimes true love feels complicated. 

Lastly, spread this invaluable information. 

Now that you’ve been blessed with this info, what ought you to do? I’d start with recognizing your newfound, intense information privilege. You’re basically Alan Turing five minutes after cracking Enigma. Share this knowledge for the good of others. Tell your pastor. Leave a note for your mailman. Call your doctor. Maybe venture into a school or something to spread the word — kindergarteners need to know how to make it in this country too.

Anyhow, that’s about it. Premeds may think they’re hot shit, but we’ll see who’s laughing in 15 years when their debt-riddled selves need to provide treatment to my unidentifiable kid free of charge, while I sit back watching Ted Cruz get inaugurated for the third time. Like, seriously, this whole problem vanishes if we all just start carrying around knives instead of IDs. The knives will get you into more bars than the ID ever would. Honestly, we may as well get our children started on this trend too. After all, we are living in the one country on Earth where having our children carry around knives would actually make schools safer.

Sadly though, I’m still figuring out how to apply this same trick to mental health services. Please let me know if you have any ideas.

Emily… Please please please come back. We can make it work. I still love you… Emily.