Vandy Student Mixes Adderall with Kissam Açaí, Wins Two Nobel Prizes Posthumously Because it Fucking Killed Him
The Vanderbilt Biological Sciences Department recently announced that one of their students, junior Gimli Turner, has cured cancer. Doctors around the world are applauding Turner’s tireless efforts toward curing this enigmatic, tenacious disease—a true medical miracle.
His roommate, Dory Wimmer Jr., says the idea simply happened upon Turner one night as he was working in his Moore dorm room on a lab report due the following morning. “He’d taken like five doses of Adderall while working on that report,” Wimmer says. “It was nearly midnight and I told him to go get a snack because he looked like a corpse, whining nonsense like ‘I’m Henry the 8th, I am, Henry the 8th, I am I am.’ He went down to Munchie for one of those açaí bowls because apparently he’d been ‘dying’ to have one.”
“And it killed him. It fucking killed him.”
Indeed, Turner reportedly consumed an entire bowl of açaí loaded with hearty amounts of granola and that suspiciously chewy shredded coconut we all love. After uttering the words “What the fuck is in this stuff?” he sprinted across campus at inhuman speeds to the Stevenson complex. Upon his arrival, he corrected research done by thousands of scientists around the globe, recording in the margin of his notes: “These fucktards have no clue what they’re talking about—stand back, let Grandmaster Gimli handle this.”
Turner proceeded to determine common carcinogens and chemicals that inhibited their effects, and in approximately five hours, the mad man had done it. The disease that had been tormenting humans for millennia was no more. And here you are, bitching about your gen chem professor docking points when you legitimately circled the wrong answer.
Turner’s body was found in a booth in Stevenson Library the following morning, slumped over a set of questionably damp photos of Amedeo Avogadro. A ceremony will be held for him next Friday on Alumni Lawn, as well as an annual holiday because, holy shit, this guy cured cancer.
Inspired by Grandmaster Gimli’s valiant scientific endeavors, a wave of students and scientists alike have begun to explore similar performance-enhancing techniques. Wimmer says he’s thinking of trying a White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Clif Bar coated in six doses of Ritalin (linked lists will be the least of his problems when this fucking kills him). I, on the other hand, am considering a Randwich with pretzel bread, bacon strips, 140 grams of Concerta and basil aioli—that is, if I can get through the fucking line before class this time. An unnamed professor (definitely not my chem prof, don’t ask him), is considering a Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte laced with Viagra for reasons he is choosing not to disclose.
In unrelated news, Turner’s bio lab professor gave him an F for failing to submit his lab report on time. Fuck that guy.
