Sorry Career Center, I’m Only Interested in a Job That Will Get Me Closer to the Mirrorball Trophy

I’ve always hated being asked what I want to do with my life, because you think you can just say “I’m thinking about going to law school” and people will just assume you’re selling your soul to big law and leave you alone. But no, there’s always the follow up question of why. Like again, can’t you just infer that I’m majoring in political science and don’t know what else to do? You really want me to confess that I’m going to law school so that one day I can successfully represent a public figure in a dramatic and well-documented legal battle so that Disney will ask me to be on Dancing With the Stars?

There it is. The jazz-handed truth.

Listen, everybody has their passions. Or at least they have a fake passion that they wrote about in their Common App essay, but now they’re so committed to the bit that they’ve taken Gen Chem three times. My passion is ballroom dance. Specifically, competing in a celebrity ballroom dance competition when I, the hypothetical celebrity, have no ballroom dance experience. 

Dancing With the Stars consumes my life. In the last row of seats in Wilson 103, I’m analyzing the statistics of the pro-dancers, figuring out which partnership would maximize my potential at success. I spend my Friday nights mapping out choreo, thinking of which obscure Disney Channel Original Movie I’ll base my Disney+ night costume off of (perhaps Bella Thorne and Zendaya from Frenemies?).

What I truly want from life is the Mirrorball Trophy.

So now you’re thinking, why law? Why not go the traditional route by going into show business or even sports? Well, have you considered that I am not a nepotism baby and also have asthma? Didn’t think so. Plus, it’s better to hide my past in dance and musical theater. I cannot stress enough how political of a show DWTS is: you saw what happened to Jojo Siwa. No matter how much they claim that ballroom dancing is soooo different from every other style, they never let the dancers win.

It’s also become apparent to me that my barista gig has got to go. Making iced chais and pretending the drink I just handed you is a cappuccino and definitely not just a latte isn’t bringing me any closer to the moment when my spirit is crushed when Len Goodman gives my Viennese waltz a 9, robbing me of my well-deserved perfect 10. It’s all a part of the larger edit, though. Next week we’ll get that Perfect 10 after an emotional salsa to My Heart Will Go On. Consider this my resignation from Suzie’s. (Loui, if you’re reading this, this is a joke. I definitely know how to make cappuccinos and will be at work on Monday at 12:30, I promise). 

Considering my degree, I also debated a career in politics. Surely DWTS wants to redeem themselves after having Sean Spicer on Season 28. Having me, someone who has never been associated with Donald Trump, would definitely make them look better than the Masked Singer after the whole Rudy Giuliani fiasco. Politics requires a lot of generational wealth though, and while I may be able to do a mean foxtrot, I definitely don’t have that.

So law it is. It isn’t unprecedented. Nancy Grace was a lawyer and she placed 5th in Season 13. Plus, I’m certain if he hadn’t tragically passed away then we definitely would have seen Rob Kardashian do the quickstep. 

I’m willing to jive and tango my way to the top of the leaderboard, but before I can do that, I need to become a star. A law degree would not just be my ticket into career and financial security, but also a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something significant with my life and then, more importantly, be invited to compete on Dancing With the Stars.