Catholics Eat the Flesh of Christ, Drink the Blood of Christ, So Why Do They Get Mad When I Eat Ass?

By Slant Staff

I’m not Catholic, but I’ll try anything once. I like to call it the broccoli hypothesis. I think I read it on some fucked up reddit thread somewhere. It says that one should always try something to have an opinion on it. In the same way that a person must have tried broccoli to say it’s bad, one must participate in an activity to have an opinion on it. This approach does have limits. I will go skydiving to see if I will like it. I will not, however, admit to my dad I found my mom’s stash of steamy romance novels hidden in her closet. 

My journey to Christ started Sunday on a couch that I didn’t remember ever going to sleep on. Through the use of a judicious amount of Jell-O shots, I was very hungover. Apparently I thought that it was a good idea to get drunk the night before church. I heard that was common practice in the Midwest, so really I was just following the normal traditions. With a quick chug of some IV fluid, I set out with a friend to feel the touch of Jesus Christ. 

I don’t actually know the difference between Catholicism and the rest of Christianity, and when my friend explained it to me I didn’t really get it. One thing they do at Catholic Mass is give everyone a communion cookie or snackrament. I’m told they have an official name, but I think snackrament works significantly better even if it’s a tiny bit heretical. If God thought I was wrong something bad would happen to me, and so far I’m still alive. 

They also all drink some wine out of the same cup. Apparently, no one here has heard of backwash. Or Covid. I got all excited for my turn, but since I couldn’t do the criss cross applesauce thing they do with their hands I didn’t get any. I was really disappointed since they rang a whole ass bell at it. Twice! It must have been really good. Whatever, if I wanted free snacks I’d go to Costco. At least they don’t require you to do a secret hand sign to get free samples. 

Apparently, this practice represents eating the flesh of Christ and drinking the blood of Christ, which sounded a bit like cannibalism to me. So naturally, I wondered that if the Catholics can eat Christ’s blood and consume Christ’s flesh, then why couldn’t I eat ass? My friend told me to not bring this up to the preacher, because obviously he was going to have a problem with it. However, it seems to me like there’s no difference between the holy act of partaking in Jesus Christ and giving a salad a good old tossing. Apparently the bread and wine aren’t supposed to be literally pieces of Christ’s body and instead symbolic, but I stopped caring as soon as I saw a kid playing Pokemon behind the pew in front of me. 

Overall, 4/10. I didn’t even get to ask if it still counted as premarital sex if you never decide to get married.